Where in history did the American dream turn into never being able to say no and always having to show up? Why are we a culture of doing something until it breaks us? We have been socially conditioned to show up to school, sports, work when we are sick and we were not given the opportunity to be okay with needing a day off.

This is something I have written about before but after two conversations yesterday on this topic I decide to write about it again. This thought pattern is a poison that feeds us and deteriorates our bodies and energetic levels in ways we usually don’t realize until it is too late. It is a poison we were taught to drink over and over again over the years. You are not throwing up….you need to go to school. Unless you are dying, you need to be at work. Yes, you can do hard things, but make sure you are doing them for the right reasons. Pushing through and being in-denial and feeling like you have to do something or you will lose something are two different things. 

This is the extreme that shows up when we are sick, but do we realize how conditioned we are and that we are doing it on a daily basis? We poison ourselves, when we get into the rhythm of thinking we have to overload ourselves with work because it may not be there tomorrow. Or the idea that things cannot wait.

I try to think about when I conditioned myself with this behavior and it was in my 20’s. My ex and I wanted to own a nightclub. I worked three jobs to make all of the ends meet and he could save his paycheck to make this happen. Then when we did get the nightclub it was constant 24 hour working. I had two cell phones. One was the clubs and one was mine. I wasn’t allowed to miss a call from the club phone. What if that was a potential booking? The tables needed to be sold out every time we opened the doors to make money.

And that is when it happened. This idea that if someone left a message, we could lose the sale. So, I was at the mercy of a club phone for the next 8 years of my life. When I was breast feeding my babies, at dinner with friends, even during holidays… a slave to the phone and the potential money that could be lost if I didn’t answer it.

I didn’t realize what a pattern I had created until I was a single mom. When I first separated from my ex, I still had responsibilities at the nightclub. One of my responsibilities was to answer the phone. I had asked him to give the phones to someone else since I wasn’t even working in the club, unless I was djing at the time, but that unfortunately didn’t happen until the divorce was finalized.

So here I am, for seven months always answering the phone like usual and my son gets upset with me one day. Remember, I have just separated from their dad and all of the sudden I am only with them half the time. He says to me “daddy is never on the phone all the time when he is with us”. My heart is crushed. If I don’t answer this phone, then I am failing my job (remember I was conditioned to feel this way) and at this point I am scared this can be used against me in my divorce. Plus, I am trying to build my own graphic design business so I can support myself, because the nightclub is not going to be there to support me in the future. What am I supposed to do?

I always felt like I couldn’t miss an email or phone call. What if I lost that sale? Then I had one those conversations that you never forget because it was so pivotal in your life. My cousin’s wife, Brianna, gave me the best advice that I have ever gotten. She suggested I set up a system with my kids. She said you need to do "Red, Green, and Yellow time" with your phone. She said you tell your kids that green time means I can always answer. Yellow time means I sometimes have to answer. Red time means I absolutely will not answer. She said. “When it is red time, you have to honor this though and allow the kids to say to you it is red time.”

This was so hard for me! But I did it. And I listened when they said, “Red Time”. I honored and respected them and in turn they honored and respected me when it was green time and I had to answer. This also allowed me the space to realize I wasn’t going to miss anything; I can be unavailable sometimes. We still use this today in our household. I now have gotten to a point where my phone is nowhere near me during red time. This is a big step for a girl who was at mercy of two phones for years. We need to un-train ourselves from the poison of thinking we have to work all the time!

I do love working for myself. Two weeks ago, my son was home sick, then my daughter was sick and then of course it hit me. It is impossible to have a sick child cuddling with you night and day and not get the germs. I am totally okay with that though! That is what is important! Those cuddles and crawling into their bed when they want comfort when they are sick. I will do that forever if they let me.

So here I am already behind on work and now my head feels like it is going to explode. Trying to put together a rational text message feels like running a marathon. Rather than just sinking into the fact I am sick and message my clients this, I fight through the bare minimum, trying to work because I “need” to. I do need to financially, don’t get me wrong, if I am not working there is no money coming in and there are no reserves left at this point in my family’s life. But I am not allowing myself to heal by keeping my body in constant stress and distress.

Yesterday was day 3 of being sick and I finally succumbed to lying in bed, watching bad tv and not trying to make my brain work. Being self-employed is hard and it becomes even harder when suddenly two weeks of work have been lost in a blink of an eye. All I can do is be honest and do my best. Being honest also means being honest with my body and mind, and paying attention when I need a break. I have gotten much better at this in the last year but there is still a lot of work to be done.

I do love being self-employed so that does mean more work hours at times. That also means more freedom most of the time. I do think we need to teach our kids it’s okay to be sick and miss school, sports, or other engagements to just rest. This also relates to mental stress and not just physical sickness. If you or your child needs a break, teach them it is okay to take it! They do not need to push through. Let’s break this cycle of not knowing how to rest. It is okay if they don’t show up once in a while. We call it a MENTAL HEALTH Day in our household. This is by design on my part because I want my children to know mental health is just as important as physical health. 

We are a society of people conditioned to feel like we always have to show up.  I was a survivor, I always showed up. That was how I got here today. That doesn’t mean that was always healthy.  There comes a time where you have to LIVE. In this moment that means I curl up in my lover’s large t-shirt, grab a cup of tea and watch bad tv (my brain can’t even handle reading right now!). I check the mom guilt at the door. I realize another paycheck or sale will come and I do NOTHING.

This is me telling my body and mind I give you permission to do nothing.

- Amanda @luxhealingarts 💕

There’s a stigma with mental illness, but I’m definitely not ashamed of my past. If had never dealt with this stuff, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  I wouldn’t have figured out who I am or the person I want to be. I wouldn’t be able to help people the way I do in my life coaching sessions. 

Everybody says there’s help, get help. What does that mean? The hardest times were always when I was alone. When someone else was in the house, the pain was still there but I didn’t feel completely alone.  I received no information when I was discharged from the hospital after attempting suicide the first time when I was 19. I remember the Doctor telling me how lucky I was that my grandparents came home when they did. I remember thinking at that moment, “how is that lucky?”  They didn’t even hold me over in the psych ward [for attempting suicide] they just said “don’t do it again, find help next time.”  That’s a joke. I walked into my house and found two of my family members standing in front of me with a suitcase packed telling me to leave the house.  What help?!

That was over 30 years ago. Today there have been strides made in suicide prevention, in talking about it, hotlines have been set up to call. Though it still has a stigma attached to it, it is getting better. The only way it will continue to get better is through us. Use your voice, find services, know that you are not alone. 

I cycled in and out of deep depressions over the next 25 years. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to plan another suicide attempt. The only thing that stopped me was my 4 beautiful children and the small feeling I had that THEY, at least needed me. That’s until my youngest was a junior in high school and my life fell apart. I had what I refer to as my year from hell. Six major surgeries in eight months that left me immobile and in more pain than I had ever experienced in my entire life. Physical, mental, and on a profound soul level. I couldn’t work, I saw absolutely no way out from under the rock that was holding me down, and I could only see myself becoming an immense burden on my children, whom I was supposed to care for. 

For almost two years my life was trying to manage pain and figure a way out of the darkness. I was on so many pain killers I couldn’t think straight. I just went deeper and deeper into the dark abyss.

At times, I struggled with suicidal thoughts on a weekly basis. Sometimes I was able to ignore them. I might be driving to meet a friend or run an errand and briefly think about driving my car off the road. The thought would catch me off-guard, but it would quickly pass through my mind and I would go about my day.

But other times, these thoughts would stick around. It’s like a huge weight was dropped onto me, and I was struggling to get out from underneath it. I would suddenly get an intense urge and desire to end it all, and the thoughts would start to overwhelm me.

In those moments, I was convinced I would do anything to get out from under that weight, even if it meant ending my life. It’s like there was a glitch in my brain that was triggered and my mind would go completely haywire.  Even if that glitch were temporary, it felt like it would last forever. 

Then one day, for the first time in my life, I spoke the words out loud to a friend. I want to die... I sat and waited, holding my breath, wishing I could take the words back. I didn’t want her to think I was crazy or look down on me. She didn’t, she just hugged me and said, “life is hard right now huh”.

I just started balling and began telling her all the things that were going through my head and all the different ways I had tried to plan it. For the next couple of weeks, she checked in on me and came to visit me. Sometimes we would just sit in silence for hours, but I wasn’t alone. Then one day she showed up and said, “you need to get out of here, I have a friend in San Diego and he’s looking for a personal chef and I’ve eaten many of your home-cooked meals, it’s perfect!”  I fought her tooth and nail, I couldn’t just leave my kids. To which she responded, “you’re spending your days making a plan to leave them permanently. Think of this as a vacation. Stay a week, a month however long you need to feel better and not leave them.” I was on a plane in 3 days. 

The next year was by no means a vacation. The feelings didn’t go away, but now I had this disabled man relying on me so I pushed through. That was one smart friend I had and I am forever grateful to her. 

It wasn’t until I attempted sobriety that I first learned the idea of having a toolbox of coping mechanisms and then started to shift my thinking. I didn’t know there were other ways to cope with these feelings that I had. I had spent since the age of 9 burying all of my feelings and discomfort under a smorgasbord of alcohol and drugs. Yes, you read that right, age 9 I started my alcohol abuse. When you bury them under that, you never give yourself the opportunity to truly feel and work thru them. 

With time and a clear head though, I became more aware of these thoughts and found ways to manage them when things got tough. It’s taken a lot of hard work and practice, but simply being aware of the lies my brain would tell me when I was suicidal helped to combat them. 

Having an alternative to feeling suicidal was a whole new world, it was a game-changer. Even if I was too depressed to get off the floor, I had a mental health toolbox and a language to talk to myself that I’d never had before.

I had to learn that too, that I had become one of my own abusers. That was a revelation. I was just following in the footsteps of everyone else… Yet I wanted to escape from the cycle. Making those connections made me feel like my body was a worthy vessel and that I was worthy to live in it and stay on this planet.  That I was enough. 

I’ve done the work and each and every day, I promise you, I try to do something to better myself. Not because there is anything wrong with me, I am perfect as I am, but because I deserve to make myself the best possible version of myself. 

I know life can be really hard sometimes. I know it can feel like the walls are closing in on you or you are stuck under a boulder.  There is a mental toolbox that you can learn to use. I know it can feel like a real lonely place and that NO ONE could possibly understand. But there are people, I promise!  I know it’s scary to say the words of how you are feeling but do it anyway. Not for me, not for your family, but for you, because you deserve to experience joy and to live!  

Sept 6th through the 12th is National Suicide Prevention Week, For those experiencing suicidality, you’re not alone, and there is always hope, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

If you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or call me day or night. I will hear the words that are so tough for many to hear. I don’t care if your thousands of miles away, I will sit on the phone with you for as long as it takes for you to feel better. I love you!  You are enough!

- Celeste (@motheringhealing 🙏🏻💕🙏🏻)

Do you take care of your crystals?

Are you attracted to the designs?  Do you feel a pull towards them and maybe unsure why?  Many people tell me that they have bought a bracelet or crystal in the past, but they are unsure why.  They share that initially it is like no other jewelry or style they have purchased before, they just knew they had to have it. Many people start their crystal journey this way. It is a beautiful journey to begin!

Each crystal carries with it its own energy, it is a living thing. Crystals in nature, will actually “grow” and often heal themselves over time when broken or damaged. 

Some crystals like, obsidian, onyx, lava stone are great for grounding, helping one to feel more connected to the earth and more centered in their own body. While others like Elestial quartz, moonstone, kyanite, help you to connect with your higher self. Most people tend to be very attracted to rose quartz, this stone is all about the heart and self love. We can all use more of that!  

I always challenge people to “feel” through their heart center, which stone they are pulled or attracted to without reading any descriptions or even the name of the stone. It is fascinating to watch them pick a stone, then read the properties to discover that it is exactly what they need right now. 

When we use or wear crystals, they support us in different ways. Some will help you with focus or speaking your truth, some are great to calm a hot temper or aid in depression. Many stones out there will even absorb or repel negative energies. These beautiful stones work hard to balance and protect our energies. 

Do you in turn take care of your crystals?  Many people are not aware that they need to cleanse their crystals so that they can continue working for us. The reason crystals work so well in energy work is because they pick up energy. At the end of every day, I take whatever crystals I used that day and place them on my selenite slabs. This resets the crystals from any energies that they transformed for me throughout the day, essentially allowing you to start everyday with an energetically clean slate. I also place many of my crystals outside when we have a full moon so that they can be  recharged through the moons energy. 

- Celeste ( 🙏🏻💕🙏🏻 @motheringhealing )

Hi Guys! It has been so long since I have written! This pic is where you usually can find me, lately. On my laptop, working from different places in my house. Life has been fast and OVERWHELMING! I have had such a creative block for months that doing the things I love (like writing) has been impossible.

I, just like everyone else, have been surviving. I mean with everything happening in the world how can we live the life we want? Sounds impossible but It can be done! I promise. It will take a lot of work on your part though. Life just isn’t easy.

This brings me to what I want to talk about today. The word “resilient”. This is a word that I hear a lot. People are continually telling me how resilient and strong I am. The definition of resilient is as follows: able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. Do I think I am resilient? Yes, when I read that definition, damn right I do. I have been through a lot in my years. I continue to push through as much as I can because the chaos just keeps coming.

This is life, though right? Yes, maybe a lot of my challenges are more than the average person’s but there are others who have harder challenges than me and others who take the weight of their challenges into their body more than I do.

The problem I have is when people tell me how strong and resilient, I am, and it triggers me. I think to myself, “I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS STRONG AND RESILIENT.” I want to scream, “I AM TIRED!” But I am calling myself out on my own bullshit. Hell yeah, I am proud to be able to push through and handle everything that is thrown at me. I am damn proud to be a strong woman who accomplishes a lot through all the crazy that happens around me. I am proud that I can stop and think about what my heart needs, rather than reacting in anger. The outcome is beautiful. 

We all need to be resilient right now. LIFE IS HARD. It is not meant to be easy. If you want your mind to be strong, you need to practice mindfulness. If you want to be healthy, you have to eat right. If you want your body to feel fit, you have to make it on the yoga mat or do the damn workout. If you want a successful business, you have to do the work. The best things happen when we do the work.

This is where I am going to flip the script. Guys, the work does not have to be hard. This is where your perspective comes into play. The story you create around what you need to do is what makes it hard.

I spent the last few months really trying to focus on me and find my path. I am trying to navigate what will come next, in our new normal. I have struggled with my self-care and I have had blocks come up that I haven’t been able to work through. We all need help sometimes! I might have every tool in the toolbox (which I don’t by the way) but we all sometimes still need an outside perspective.

I had the opportunity to work with Haley Marie Calderwood yesterday ( https://www.facebook.com/haley.marie.calderwood ). She tapped into my block almost immediately. I was taken back with how quickly she did it. The session was so much more than I expected, and I released trapped emotions that I knew I still had but I didn’t realize how much it was actively affecting my current situation. She was able to help me clear it. And now here I am writing again! It all ties in. When we hang on to emotions, they get trapped in our bodies. They eventually will lead to other issues, that manifest in different ways. Sometimes years (or even lifetimes) later!

Life isn’t easy, but when you work through your struggles you can have a clearer path. Working out is hard but damn I feel good after. Work is not inspiring me, but I am so thankful I am paying my bills. The kids are home more which means I work less but I love the time I get to spend with them. This year will be different and bring new struggles, but I am going to create a new reality that manifests everything I want for myself and my family.

Resiliency; able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. How can you tap into your resiliency and create your future?

You are all beautiful, strong, amazing souls. Tell yourself thank you and I love you today. You deserve it.

Sending loving, healing energy to everyone. - Amanda ❤️ (Lux Healing Arts)

Well, this week I lost a week of my life. I am an empath and I have suffered from anxiety since I was a kid, and this week was something I wasn’t expecting.  I have been told I am silly, this is blown out of the water, you are ridiculous for worrying, the world is over-populated…of course something like this was bound to happen.

To my family members who have listened and help me process everything, thank you. I needed you this week to help me stay grounded. We all need to lean on each other to validate our worries and work through this. As I wake up today, I feel strongly that we all need to talk about our fears openly and honestly so we can heal from this chaos as soon as possible.  Talking does not feed the problem, talking helps flow through the problem without creating sickness within you.

For those of you that have nothing to worry about, your family is young and healthy; hold each other a little closer and enjoy this time off together. For those of you that are feeling fear, I understand.

Here are some of the reasons I am so scared. I just spent a year of my life praying Billy (my fiancée) would live. He almost died twice this last year, the second time only two months ago. He finished a round of aggressive chemo less than six months ago. I am praying every day that his immune system is strong enough to fight this off.  He works in a barbershop where they act like it is no big deal. Most of the staff and customers are young. They can be walking around asymptomatic spreading it and we would never know.

My mother is diabetic and does not have great health. She works in retail. She doesn’t have savings (I don’t either after last year) so she is still going to work because she needs to pay for her meds and bills. My grandmother is 85 years old and I am not ready to lose her. I worry about my ex’s parents who are a huge part of my children’s lives. My children need them for years to come. I have lots of extended family that I may not see all the time, but I worry about them. My heart breaks for the families who are currently fighting diseases with drugs that compromise their immune systems and how scary this must be for them.

I know I can’t keep my entire family in a bubble. My kids have two households and unfortunately, they can carry it and by asymptomatic and I know this. I do feel like we can try to do the best we can to try to keep this away from my family.  And yes, I need to be able to talk about the chaos and fear!

As I said, I am an empath. This means I can feel people’s energy. This also means this week has been completely draining due to the energy of the world. I have felt more exhausted than I have in a really long time. I am sure even if you have never labeled yourself as empathic you have felt the heaviness. We need to make sure we are paying attention to what our bodies need. If you need to talk, I am here. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to hide in your house to feel safe, do it.

To people comparing this to the flu, I ask that you do some deeper research. This is not the flu. I want people to know they are allowed to be afraid, but please try to work through it. Staying calm is the best answer but if you are hiding your fears this is impossible. To the people that think this is no big deal, have compassion for the people that it is a big deal for. We can limit the spread with common sense. So, let’s ban together, show love, gratitude, and common kindness to everyone who is dealing with this on one level or another. This is literally affecting us all.

Time for us all to spread love and healing like wildfire. - Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️

Okay…. Real talk right now. Does anyone else feel absolutely drained and exhausted? I seriously am so spent the last few days. Trying to go out in public to do a simple errand feels like running a marathon! Is it the moon energy or the chaotic vibration of everyone around, feeding off this fear and desperation that is spreading like wildfire right now?

When we collectively feed into the fear of the unknown, we lower our vibration. Let’s all take a little time today to release some of that fear of the unknown. We collectively can raise the vibration by sending out the energy to the universe that everything will be okay, and we will heal globally.

The full moon is a time for release. And yes, the moon energy can make you feel exhausted! This is the first super full moon of the year and the last full moon before the spring equinox. Pay attention to what your body needs and allow yourself to take the time to nourish it rather than fighting it. It is time to let go of all the junk that knowingly and unknowingly builds up an energetic toxic crash to our system! Let it all go so you can make space for the New Moon energy that is coming.

Astrologer Lisa Stardust said, "This Supermoon will allow us to see inner truths and analyze our next moves based on our newly found knowledge. We’ll be able to decipher between fact and fiction, as we accept realities and use it as a catalyst for our decisions."

This seems like a perfect time for us to slow down reconnect to our hearts and listen to our bodies. Remember our bodies hear us. Try to stay positive in a time when the world seems to be bringing us down. If we focus on raising our energy collectively it will spread to others.

If you have some malachite this is a great crystal to work with during this full moon. The vibration will help balance your heart chakra and set your intention to the universe. This stone is known for amplifying both negative and positive energies by bringing emotions to the surface and allowing you to see them for what they are. Only then can you truly be honest and transform into your higher self.

Light a candle, take a bath, sage your space, charge your crystals, make moon water for tea and RELEASE!

- Amanda (@missdjlux 💕)

What is your relationship with prayer? I had a discussion with a client this week about prayer and religion. They wanted to work through the negative feelings that come up when they think about prayer.  They asked me if I pray and if I could help them get past this block that they had towards it.

We think of religion as a set of rules or guidelines we need to follow in order to be spiritually connected. For some people this is great, but for others, this can cause some serious aversions to want to pray or how to fit inside a box that does not feel right to them. So many of us were brought up with religion and when it doesn’t feel right, it can sometimes take years of social deprogramming to work through those buried emotions.

 Do you need to be attached to a religion to pray? NO.

Let’s talk about prayer. Prayer is the conscious decision to put out into the universe what you may need support with or to send out gratitude for what is.

As for praying.... I pray almost every time I meditate...

In my experience, religious institutions too often teach us exactly what to say and how to say it.  Patrons are sometimes left feeling as though they are not ‘doing” it right if they don’t follow these guidelines.  We put too much pressure on ourselves when in fact, it should be a loving heartfelt conversation with your higher power.

I pray to source, to my guides. I ask them to help me stay open to all that they have to offer.  I express my gratitude for all of the guidance they give me. Sometimes, individually to certain guides. 

I have a strong connection to Raphael and pray to him when I do healings. I pray to my Spirit Animal when I have a need for wisdom and understanding because he is very wise. To my dad very often when I need day to day help especially with my home, vehicle or my mother. My dad was quite the handyman.

Prayer is not owned by any religious institution. They do not hold rights to prayer or how it should be done. It is communication between you and your higher power. It can be done anywhere and to whatever higher power you choose.

I probably pray/speak to my guides more than I do human beings!

- Celeste (@motheringhealing) 🙏🏻💕🙏🏻

Today’s Full Moon is so special! Not only do we get the energy of a full moon but we also get the energy of an eclipse. 

This full moon is all about spiritual awakening. This energy is coming into power with the potent full moon lunar eclipse in the sign of Cancer today and it will strongly affect family, relationships, and friendships. It will undoubtedly bring up some heavy stuff from 2019 or even further back. Do yourself a favor, don’t stuff it away…  allow yourself to take an honest look at it so you can then let it go.  

The power of the Wolf Full Moon serves as a guide for us to trust our instincts and pay attention to what they are trying to tell us.  January 2020 is a power month and sets the stage for what’s to come. Not just what is to come for the year ahead but the decade ahead as well.  

What a wonderful way to welcome in the New Year with the powerful Wolf Full Moon.   

This is definitely one of my favorite full moons because it makes me feel like I can let go of the energy I’ve been bottling up inside and just howl – 

the howl of freedom and release. 

This moon is all about releasing all the old junk you have kept bottled up inside you. It is all about open and flowing emotions, uninhibited self-expression, empathy, and love.  

 Wolves are always in a pack.  

They symbolize intelligence, loyalty, freedom, and social connections. Demonstrating them in a more balanced manner. 

Eclipses are important points in the year as they are believed to bring events aligned with our soul path or soul destiny. 

Add all of these together… 

Eclipse 

Full Moon 

The energy of the Wolf… 

You get some very strong and powerful energy to work with. 

Many people may feel heavy, tired, body aches, severe headaches… 

Listen to your body and honor the energy of this Wolf Full Moon and Eclipse… 

Take time to reflect, communicate softly and rest. 

Allow all that no longer serves you to go back to the universe,  RELEASE IT!!!! 

Then, on the New Moon later this month, set your intentions not only for this year, but for this century. If you are interested in joining us for our New Moon: Connect event on Tuesday, January 28^th please follow the link below.  

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/new-moon-connect-tickets-89200157071

- Celeste (@motheringhealing) 🙏🏻💜🙏🏻

I know this post seems late, but it is something I have been struggling with for weeks. With 2019 closing out as one of my most stressful and chaotic years I have lived yet, I have been thinking a lot about what I want for “me” to move into this new year.

I know I want to step into my authentic path and begin to work as an energy worker. I have discovered a new found love for meditation and mindfulness, and I want to share that with the world. I have gotten a crash course in holistic living and natural alternatives for wellness this last year. I have the traditional New Year’s resolution of eating better and getting back the gym (I put on 15lbs this year! The stress and working so much left little time for self-care.)  I am moving in the direction I want to go but the question is how do I get there with this tornado of my life?

Just to give you a snippet of my life and how chaotic it is, I will give you a timeline of my last two weeks (just a little back history for the newbies).

My Fiancé has been battling Stage 4 cancer since last January (he was diagnosed after having two emergency surgeries in January. One of the surgeries almost killed him).

Six Months of aggressive chemotherapy which ended in Sept.

He barely worked last year due to his illness. He went back to work full time the last week of Sept.

He had a hernia due to the surgery from January. A hernia... no big deal, right? That is an easy procedure that people have all the time!

On December 20^th we go in for his pre-op appointment and the surgeon lets us know it is a bigger deal than “just a hernia” surgery. Both of us feel the blow. I was so overwhelmed with him being out of work again, being his caregiver again, and the idea that I just got him back and he was going to be hurt and not himself again. I spent most of Christmas week crying tears of complete exhaustion and being overwhelmed by life.

Friday, December 27^th: His surgery time gets pushed back twice so I have now had to shuffle my kids through three different scenarios of people watching them.  I am feeling the PTSD side effects of being in the waiting room, while he is in surgery again.

The surgery takes place at 5 pm, the surgeon comes out around 7 pm. He sits down next to me and says they had to do even more than expected once they got in there. I was soooooo upset and sad for Billy. He was going to be in so much pain again. They completely opened him up for a second time. When he woke up and realized he was so angry.

The following week was spent juggling caregiver duties (he couldn’t even stand up without help when he first got home), kids’ home on Christmas break (great winter vacation for them!) and me trying to juggle four jobs. I had booked a weekend to DJ in San Jose that following weekend months before any of this was even happening. Do I cancel? No. Everyone tells me I have to continue on so I will trust that he will be okay when I leave.

On Friday, January 3^rd at 7:30 pm as I am getting ready to go to work, I get a call from Billy. “Babe, I can’t breathe. I have shortness of breath.” I feel the panic in his voice. I tell him to go to the ER and he questions if he should, but luckily, he goes. I start texting with his surgeon and about two hours later, I get a text from his Dr. “He has a blood clot in his lung, but he is stable.”

Like, WTF??!!! Now I am in Cali, I am supposed to DJ and I am falling apart. The surgeon tells me he will text first thing in the morning to let me know if I need to jump on a flight home the next day. I made it through most of my set okay thanks to friends and family, but I lose it at the end of the night. I am in Cali alone and afraid and unfortunately going down the google rabbit hole of what a blood clot in your lung means.

I wake up to a text from Dr.Z at 7:15 am, saying that he stayed in a normal room and he didn’t have to go to ICU so he is stable. He said I was okay to stay in Cali. Billy is stable but am I mentally stable and okay to stay in Cali??

I mean, I should stay in Cali. I can’t do anything at home, he is just going to be in the hospital. We need the money more than anything. It didn’t take us long to hit our deductible for the year again! But I can’t really explain what it feels like to be in a place, taxed, stressed, scared and feeling like you just can’t do your job.

I did it. I went to work. It may have not been my greatest night of djing, but the dancefloor was packed and that is a good sign. I also got a few signs from my angels. Halfway through the night, an angel on the dancefloor handed me a wrapped Unakite stone. ­­Unakite is a stone of clarity. As Energy Muse put it “the Unakite healing properties give your heart the superpower of 20/20 vision and the courage to be a hero to the ones you love.” Seems like it couldn’t have been more fitting!

Then a friend who has had an even harder year than me (he, unfortunately, had to have his leg amputated due to a medical complication last year) showed up with the best energy to support me at my set. He usually stands next to me when I DJ, this time he was in a wheelchair. His energy was contagious and reminded me that we are all stronger than we think. I don’t know if he knows how much his support helped me that night, but it gave me the extra fuel I needed. I was so grateful he was there.

I didn’t share this series of events for sympathy, or because I am currently depressed or sad. I came home, Billy left the hospital, and he is going to be fine. I am grounded and okay in this moment.

I shared this because this is my tornado. We all have tornados in our lives that disrupt the flow of what we need and want to accomplish. How do I keep on my path and set intentions for my goals in this tornado?

On Monday morning I started writing down three things that I would like to accomplish that day that were only for me. My goal this week was to do this every day and at least accomplish one of the three things. I did get to one on Monday. I did two of the three yesterday and I already started my day with meditation this morning so one thing is checked off for today.

I am not in a place yet where I can have long term goals. I can have daily goals. Just even getting one of those goals done made me feel accomplished. If I keep building on that I will get to where I need to be.

My tornado is currently still swirling around me with unknowns and ready to create havoc at any second. I make the choice to not get sucked up in it. If it comes out of nowhere and chaos does unfold, I am okay with being messy for a minute. I am only human. It is my job to then use my tools and my support system to get back to the center.

So, what do I want for me in this New Year? I want to continue everything I have been doing this last year. I will continue my mindfull practice and what living mindfully means to me. I will practice gratitude daily. I will be gentle with myself. I will focus on what my heart center truly needs so I can live my most authentic life. This year is going to be a year of building and progress. I will start each day with one goal and go from there.

HAPPY 2020 EVERYONE! - Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️

It may be less than astounding to say that sobriety completely changed my life, but it did in so many ways I couldn’t have expected and some I wasn’t even prepared for. When I started this journey, I didn’t know what the end game was. 30 days, a year? Now I know it is a life changer and it is a permanent part of my life. This year the anxiety and depression have been so intense. So many nights I cried myself to sleep when Billy was sick from chemo right next to me. I have felt more alone, sad and stressed this year than I think I ever have in my lifetime. But I felt it. Every damn painful moment of it.

I remember a friend asking a few months ago if I was still not drinking and I said, “thank god, I stopped drinking, my kids would not have a mother this year if I was”. His response was “that’s a little dramatic”. I don’t think it was dramatic at all. It was a very true statement. The anxiety and depression I battled this year has been extreme. I do not even want to think of where I would be if I was still drinking and partying.

Over the last two years SO MANY THINGS HAVE CHANGED! I want to scream it from the rooftops and put so many things into words, but I am not even sure where to start.  I decided to put together a list of things that impacted me the most when it comes to sobriety.

You always have to answer why

So, fucking annoying!!! But you come to realize it is what it is. Guys, sober is not a curse word! All it means is I used to drink and now I don’t. If someone says, I don’t drink, or I am doing 30 days sober or I am sober, say things like awesome, congrats, you must feel good! It isn’t a bad thing; it means they are choosing a healthier lifestyle!

My friends

This was one of the most painful parts of this process. I didn’t expect to have so many people drift away from me.  I was the one who shared my love with everyone. I would throw birthday parties, help people whenever they needed it, I truly loved my friends with all of my heart. I didn’t expect to lose friends the way I did. It isn’t negative or bad, I just think they couldn’t relate to me anymore. So, they stopped checking in and eventually people I thought were family that were going to be in my life forever have gone in another direction.

I had to relearn how to DJ

DJing without the shots of Patron took me a minute to find my footing. That was my liquid courage. It makes me sad that I disconnected myself from something I love so much for so long. I love dancing. I love feeling the music. Not drinking allows me to stay connected to those vibes and carry them with me for longer periods of time.

Sleep

I wake up every day at 5am now. I am so much more productive! I used to stay awake almost every night until 5am. Add in two kids and I was on a path to self-destruction.

I will never touch a drug again.

Once I became a mom, I knew I didn’t want to be doing the same dumb things that I did in college and in my 20’s. Things weren’t changing though, I was still living the same life. I told myself the story that I was the “party girl”. What was my identity without that title? I hated the way I felt after I partied. It felt gross. I was not showing up as the mom I wanted to be. When I was drinking the drugs came hand in hand.  Without alcohol, I am never even tempted to do a drug. Goodbye anxiety-causing agents, that dimmed my light!

My kids will never have to see me drunk.

The idea of my kids seeing me drunk makes me sick to my stomach. I guess maybe it is because I remember watching my family get drunk when I was younger. You are observing as a child not understanding why they are being silly, or why they can’t keep their balance correctly. The energy feels really uncomfortable as a kid. My kids will never see me like this. This makes my heart so happy.

I can talk about my emotions.

This year the stress was unbearable times. Even more, than the stress was keeping my fear at bay. The fear and the unknown create anxiety. Trying to keep your mind calm so you don’t go to those dark places is hard, but it can be done. I was able to talk to my fiancé and friends when days were really hard. I was able to say I am depressed, and I could work through the feelings. The old Amanda would have kept them bottled up and masked them with booze until they exploded like a volcano.  Being able to talk and in return have your feelings validated is an amazing feeling. Not all days are good. You can accept the bad days and move through them rather than trying to hide them in a closet, only for them to show back up later.

I realize I will probably always want a drink.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have been sober for two years and I still think about drinking. It is crazy that a chemical can have so much control over your body and mind when you haven’t even touched it in so long. The last few months have been so stressful, there have been a few times where I think “maybe a drink wouldn’t be so bad”. I have had to have little talks with myself to ask myself questions to see if that is a door I really want to open again. I always come to the same answer, NO.

It is crazy how hardwired our brains are. Bad news let’s have a drink. Good news let’s have a drink to celebrate! We have been brought up in a society that trains us to think this way and it forever changes our brain chemistry. It has been a complete mind-fuck to realize I may always feel this way. So yes, my body may always crave a drink but I know my heart and soul do not want one.

I show up for myself.

This one has been the toughest thing for me to do this year. I have been a caretaker, the sole provider for the family and a mom. I started my dream business right before this chaos started and I have had to realize it is okay if I don’t get everything done and that it will grow in time. I have had to really look at what is going to help me physically, emotionally and financially.

There are days that I am too depressed or overwhelmed and I reach out to friends. I have learned to ask for help (most of the time lol). I am blessed to have so many beautiful people around me that have shown up for me. This, in turn, has allowed me to show up for myself.

So many amazing people and opportunities have come into my life.

Have you heard the statement “light attracts light”? You attract the vibration that you put out into the universe. I love this statement and a beautiful soul who went out of her way and gave me an amazing opportunity sent this to me again yesterday. I have been blessed this year to have so many amazing opportunities and people come into my life and show up for me in ways I never could have imagined. I will pay every single ounce of it forward.

I found my superpower.

My super power is……… okay, maybe I am not completely sure yet but I do know I am on my path.

I am proud of Crystalline Tribe. We are creating a community that will help people shift perspectives and find tools that will help them succeed in this crazy life. I got my Reiki Master this year and I am now completing a Meditation Teacher Course. I want to help young people navigate through all the chaos with positive tools, so they don’t get sucked into drugs and alcohol as I did.

Today, I am 2 years sober and this is one of the best things I have ever done and also the hardest. Drinking and checking out is easy. Doing the work and facing all your emotions is hard.  If you are sober curious or feel like alcohol just doesn’t have a place in your life anymore, you can change it. I won’t lie. It isn’t always the easiest path at times, but It will be the best decision you ever made.

I am blessed to have a network of people that help me. If you need help or are interested in what options are out there please reach out, amanda@crystallinetribe.com. I don’t know if I have the answer, but I can try to find you a resource to point you in the right direction.

- Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️