I had lunch with an old friend yesterday. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, and I was discussing the work I have been doing with Reiki and trapped emotion release. I then mentioned that I work with a lot of clients in recovery and how much I love it. He looked at me and said “wow, what a switch from a few years ago.”

He knew me in my past life, as I like to refer to it. I drank, partied and owned a nightclub. I was literally killing myself and pushing others to believe this false sense of reality around what I built. I peddled this story of you never have to grow up, you can party until you fall down, and you can be successful. It was a lie. It is not possible to poison yourself and show up consistently in life and be happy. I was literally dying in the background, falling apart from anxiety, depression, and not showing up as the mother that my children deserved.

I have told the story before about Billy, my now fiancé, asking me why I would still be party at in my late 30’s with kids at home. It flipped a switch in my brain. I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know why. Then when he said he didn’t know if he wanted to introduce a party girl to his teenage boys I was floored. This man in front of me was so loving and caring, we had an amazing time together. I was shocked that he wouldn’t want me around his kids. I was such a loving, caring person, it didn’t make sense to me.

I knew there was so much more to the life I was living. I had lived in the darkness and shadows for so long, I knew there was more out there. I wanted to see what it would be like to remove alcohol from the equation. I didn’t even tell anyone at first, scared I would fail. I still remember how proud I felt when I hit 30 days. After a few months, I realized how much better I felt. My anxiety was gone. I was so much more productive.  I was able to stop doing drugs. At this point in my life, I always felt like shit after doing them, but I could never say no under the influence of alcohol. They went hand in hand with each other.  When I was sober, it was an easy NO.  

I started to process my relationship with alcohol. I was brought up around it. The adults in my family were big drinkers and it was normal for them to start having drinks at 5pm every night. I was allowed to start drinking with the family at 18. I didn’t learn any boundaries around alcohol, and I was the teenager that liked to push boundaries.  I was already drinking heavily as a college freshman. I thought this was normal. Alcohol had been so normalized that I didn’t think anything of it. So, I pushed my boundaries with drugs.

I don’t like thinking about my party years. It creates a very unsettling sick energy in me. I was so close to a darkness that I may have never come back from. I know how lucky I am to have made it to the other side of it. I know how close I was to not make it to this point.

From American Addiction Centers:

“Drug addiction is considered a disease that impacts brain circuitry and behavior, and it is classified by an inability to control drug use. Addictive drugs act on the pleasure center in the brain, causing a shortcut to reward that, when repeated, can change the way a person processes information. Drugs’ addictive qualities may be enhanced by how good they make a person feel when using them and how bad they may make users feel when they wear off. Chronic drug abuse can induce drug dependency, which leads to withdrawal symptoms and drug cravings without the drug’s presence.

Some of the most addictive drugs by definition are cocaine, heroin, alcohol, nicotine and methamphetamine.”

Other statistics that are horrifying:

• An average American see 100,000 beer commercials by the time they are 18.
• Alcohol kills approximately 88,000 Americans a year
• 1 in 7 adults has alcohol use disorder
• 97,000 sexual assault cases among college students involve alcohol
• 3500 Americans under the age 21 die of excessive drinking every year
• There was a 60% increase of drinking during COVID

These are just a few. There are many more including cancer, liver disease, and children living in homes with alcoholic and abusive parents. April is alcohol awareness month. If you have been wanting to take a look at your relationship with alcohol, I empower you to do so. I am available to anyone who needs to chat. There are resources and communities of people that will help you find the information or help you need.

People always tell me how lucky Billy was to have had me by his side to walk him through his cancer battle. I have had multiple people say to me that I saved his life. I want to point out, he saved mine first. I wouldn’t be standing here 3 ½ years sober, doing work I love, if he had never asked why I need to party as a mom.

Spring is here! This is a time of rebirth. Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, so today is the beginning of the astrological new year. The new moon is the beginning of a new lunar cycle.  A time where the moon and sun are aligned and the sky is dark. Energetically this is the time of new beginnings. A time to plant the seeds to manifest what you would like to come in the next month.

As we come into this season of change, take a second to think about how you felt a year ago compared to how you feel today. Take a minute to honor your body and mind’s presence at this moment. We have all grown so much and April’s new moon gives us an opportunity to plant another seed and allow the flower to grow.

It is an important time to connect with what you want to unfold this year. The Aries energy is independent and action-oriented. This fire sign has the energy of courage and acting on its own inspiration.

As I sit with this energy this morning, I am slightly confused by current times, just like I was a year ago. I kept my kids away this week since I heard, I may have had an exposure. I canceled my New moon event tonight out of precaution to be safe.

I actually did not feel well this week and I let my body rest. I haven’t slept that much in years. Last night I fell asleep at 8 pm after I had taken a nap in the afternoon. Maybe that is why the exposure scare came, maybe I needed to stop and do a full reset, mentally, physically and now today emotionally.

I have a repeating story in my adult life that I allow to haunt me. See my choice of words there, I know I allow the pain and chaos. I yet again was in a situation this week, where I was made out by others to be irresponsible in a situation with my kids, and I let my power get taken away. I know in my heart and soul, every choice I make is to do my best and protect my kids. I also realize I allow myself to be mistreated, for the same reasons. I think I am protecting them.

It is absolutely exhausting to always have to fight and to have these constant conversations with my kids defending myself. So that is the energy I am focusing on this New Moon and year on. I don’t need to defend myself. They are old enough to hear my truth. I am going to stand in my power and take another step up the ladder of not allowing myself to be disrespected in order to protect my kids. I won’t let my daughter learn that the behavior is okay, and I won’t let my son start to talk down to me because he is already learning it.

The Aries energy is asking us to be BRAVE. How can you use this energy to your advantage? How can you create your desires by being an independent thinker and doer? The month's manifestations ask you to tap into your solar plexus, your personal power, and use it to your advantage.

My bravery is showing up by recognizing I made the right choice this week. I will always air on the side of caution for the sake of my children. They deserve for me to always protect them when I can. I am also honoring the bravery to cancel my event. Last month’s event sold out. I love the support I get from my community and I know they will be back to support me for next month’s New Moon in May. This means I am finally stepping into the energy of abundance rather than scarcity.

Soak in this energy of bravery, love, and abundance, and take a few minutes today to write down your goals for the next month and for the next year. Take a minute to breathe and honor that fire within you. I see you. I respect you. You are BRAVE.

- Amanda (@luxhealingarts 💕)

I read an alarming fact the other day that said the First Lady does not get paid. I was taken back. That can’t be right! I googled it and immediately learned that this is true. I am sure I learned this growing up and I probably just stored it away in my brain as social conditioning without even realizing it. We as a country expect her to show up. We expect her to aide with things alongside her husband. She gives up four years of her life for the country, but it is titled as a “ceremonial” position. Then why does she have duties? She should be able to do yoga all day and whatever the fuck she pleases with her time. Sorry for the language but this is the top rung of systematic profiling of woman.

As woman we are expected to juggle it all. We live in a world where we are supposed to be the caretakers, head of the household, business owners, look a certain way and still get asked the question “are you making sure you are making time for yourself?” WTF are you actually talking about when you ask me that? How many hours are in your day, because mine has no time left 90% of the time.

I have been the woman that has been told to work for free. “Work for free because it is for a common goal.” I can remember breast feeding my son, being asked to meet a deadline for a flyer that had to get out and not seeing a dime for it. I actually worked at the computer with him on my chest feeding! Staring at a computer screen rather than taking time to enjoy that connection with him. I believed I was busting my ass in the background for that common goal of our family. Then there was another layer. Not only did I have to work for free, but I also had to work regular hours where I did get paid. I needed to work because we needed the extra money.

Talk about low self-esteem. I believed this. I believed I didn’t deserve time off. I believed I had to work harder and more hours. I was a damaged little girl, with no self-esteem, that fell into a cultural trap.

Then a few years later, I found myself crying in a lawyer’s office, with no access to the bank accounts I helped build and no say in the company that I supposedly worked so hard for. To add another dagger in the heart, the business partner that said they were family, called in during the divorce to talk down the price of the business so I wouldn’t get as much money for it. So much for that family and that common goal. I was left feeling like an idiot for allowing work to steal so much of my time from my babies when they were small.

My lawyer told me this was so common, and she sees it all the time with her clients. I have spent years healing, growing and researching trauma. Now I realize that not only did it come from my own trauma and thinking I had to work harder than my partner, I mean why did I deserve to have an easy life? It is also systemic! We literally expect our First Lady to work for free beside her husband!

I read a statistic from 2020 that said, full time working woman do an average of two hours of extra work a day compared to men, just doing housework. “All that housework adds up. Women spend 95 more eight-hour workdays per year on unpaid work, which is the equivalent of $1.48 trillion in the United States.” – Today Show

Ladies I am here to say YOU CANNOT DO IT ALL. Trust me, I tried, and it almost killed me. And I have nothing to show for it. The business I helped build while working for free is still paying bills, but not my bills. The house I paid the mortgage for multiple times, working three jobs to do so, is still there but I do not live in it. I did not need to do the things I did back then, but I felt like I had to. It all comes down to the fact that I did not respect myself.

As I have healed and grown, I have found respect for myself along the way. I now know what I deserve, and I won’t accept anything less. My friend posted something that said being a mom is equivalent to working 2.5 full time jobs. We are strong woman that are made to work and handle what life throws at us. We are not meant to do it all and push ourselves over the limits because we have to. An awakened man steps up and helps. They don’t want the mothers of their children to burn themselves out trying to make all the ends meet. They want to help, and we need to allow them to help. To the men that step up, I see you and it is absolutely beautiful.

Being a strong woman means recognizing when your heart can’t carry the load. Respect yourself first. Don’t let people use you. Family tends to do this without realizing it, so speak up and teach them that they need to help too. Our strength comes from our hearts and each and every one of us deserves to be treated as the beautiful powerhouses we are. Let’s teach our daughters to stand in their power so they don’t ever feel like they “should work for free.”

- Amanda (Lux Healing Arts 💕)

Tonight’s Virgo Full Moon (also known as the Snow Moon) couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I talk a lot about synchronicities with my clients. When the synchronicities show up, you are being supported and you are on the right path. Well, this moon couldn’t have come at a better time for me.

The zodiac of Virgo brings the energy of spiritual and emotional well-being. It wants us to recognize our body and mind’s needs, in a practical methodical way. This full moon is supercharged due to Saturn being square Uranus at the same time. This is going to bring up heightened emotions around relationships and careers. These emotions are going to feel like very deep emotions that create a survival instinct from generations past kick in.

This is the snow moon. Imagine our ancestors surviving during this time of snow with limited resources. We are all in this mind set of enough is enough right now and the energy is boiling over inside of us. This energy of two steps forward on step back, is still going to continue through his year.  How can you focus on the fact that this momentum is still moving you forward?

“With the current celestial line-up, you stand to gain mental and emotional clarity, empowerment, focus and scads of practical backup for your decisions. You may redraw a line or two. You may decide to drop a habit or adopt a new one. 

“And [if you do it well] you'll find a momentary respite from the mad whirl of life. They’ll stabilize your emotions and restore your sanity (or a semblance of it) and send you out back out with a solid, confident core. Think — as the Virgo Moon will so often incline you to do — of the takeaway as your own inner anchor. “ - Kathy Biehl, Empowerment Unlimited

We can all use this energy to think about our goals and the plans we want to create. How can we practically get to where we want to go? How can you organize a little more? What is your self-care plan for this week? Virgo rules our throat chakra. Sing, hum, and use your voice today. Journal and ask your guides to help you let go of some of the energies that are holding you back.

For me this is going to be a giant release of energy. I have been in survival mode for just over two years. Holding my breath, hoping my fiancé will live, our kids will be healthy, and we will be able to pay our bills every month through it all.

Tonight, I will take a few minutes to let it all go. I reached out to a fellow energy worker who I highly respect, Lesha Nelson (if you don’t follow her yet, you should.) I asked her how I could start to reset my body. I felt my body crash after this last surgery. My mind felt calm and not stressed and my body completely shut down. Two days ago, I couldn’t even write an email because I felt so physically tired. I was like my adrenal glands were sounding alarms through my body. She said “you have been to war and your body knows it is over”. This statement was EVERYTHING. I am so happy, confident, and strong mentally. I am connected to my breathe and I am emotionally okay. I need to allow my body to decompress.

Tonight, I give my body permission to let go. It doesn’t have to fight anymore. I will honor my need to integrate this calm into my cells and just go with the flow this week of what feels good to me.

How can you release the overwhelming, mixed up feelings into the universe to start moving forward? Integrate the Virgo power this weekend by cleansing your space, spring clean a closest, and start tracking yourself care routine. What can you let go of to create space for something fresh, new, and exciting?

Tonight, I might be inclined to just stand outside and howl at the moon.

– Amanda (@luxhealingarts ❤️)

I have been exhausted, very melancholy feeling, and then out of nowhere a damn glass table jumped in front of me and knocked me off my feet! Okay, I literally walked right through it and face planted but I still have no idea how it happened. My horoscope warned me the day before that I may get hurt by a sharp object of a car accident. I guess I will take the glass table and the very bruised leg rather than a car accident!

I have worked really hard the six months stay grounded within the chaos and slowing down. Needless to say with all the work I do, I am still a hot mess at times and right now I am blaming the damn planets. Mercury retrograde brings a lot of emotional energy. What is our story? Are we truly in alignment with the journey that our subconscious is here to navigate? We have the power to write our own story and choose our narrative and the New Moon is a perfect time to connect with that.

Finding people, we can confide in to help us make sense of our mixed-up emotions is important during this time. Although it is hard right now, community is a huge part of this cosmic energy as well. How can we connect and work together as a collective? How can you help your neighbor?

This moon has powerful energy of love, good fortune, luck, and money. Not just love in a romantic sense but love for yourself and life in general. @queercosmos said it best “how can I make my friendships more romantic and my romances more friendly?”

Let’s align with the energy of looking forward with new ideas for our hopes and dreams, while focusing on our communication and relationships.

If you would like to join my New Moon online event and soul sessions tonight email me at amanda@crystallinetribe.com or purchase a $10 ticket here: https://www.crystallinetribe.com/collections/new-moon-connect/products/february-new-moon-meditation-soul-sessions-2

The Art of Saying “I’m Sorry”

Have you ever noticed how some people never say, “I’m Sorry”? It is something that really bothers me, and I have recognized it as an emotional trigger for me due to my childhood. I mean, it is just proper manners, right? We are all taught as children, when you do something wrong you should say “I’m sorry”.

There is so much power in an apology. It may feel vulnerable because that means you are admitting you did something wrong, but that is the power in it. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We may hurt someone’s feeling without realizing it or we may look back on situations and think we could have handled something completely different. That is GROWTH!

I write this because I have had to put up some hard boundaries this last year and one of them is around situations where people do not admit guilt or do not have the accountability to say, “I’m Sorry”. What’s worse is in today’s age, the situation can be gaslighted on social media, so it ends up as a double down effect on the person who feels victimized. This is where I allow myself to feel disappointment and I recognize why my boundary is needed for my mental health.

Setting boundaries does not mean I hold anger. Setting boundaries means I am creating space for my own mental health. It also means I am holding accountability for the other person. I wasn’t taught setting boundaries growing up and this is a life lesson that has been hard for me to learn. I am not lowering my vibration by setting boundaries, I am raising it.

Back to why someone would not say I am sorry, for causing physical, mental or emotional distress to someone else. Psychology Today writes:

Why Apologies Threaten Non-Apologists

For non-apologists, saying "I’m sorry" carries psychological ramifications that run far deeper than the words themselves imply; it elicits fundamental fears (either conscious or unconscious) they desperately want to avoid:

Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity or self-esteem.

Apologizing might open the door to guilt for most of us, but for non-apologists, it can instead open the door to shame. While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes non-apologists feel bad about their selves—who they are—which is what makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt.
 

While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.
 

Non-apologists fear that by apologizing, they would assume full responsibility and relieve the other party of any culpability. If arguing with a spouse, for example, they might fear an apology would exempt the spouse from taking any blame for a disagreement, despite the fact that each member of a couple has at least some responsibility in most arguments.
 

By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it. They might be correct. However, they are incorrect in assuming that exhibiting these deep and pent-up emotions (as long as they get support, love, and caring when they do—which fortunately, is often the case) will be traumatic and damaging. Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction.

 Check in with yourself. Are you someone who has a hard time apologizing? I had to apologize a few months ago for a situation I could have handled better. When I looked back on it, I recognize how hurt the other party was by the decision. I apologized with no expectation of the other person responding. When she did, I realized how healthy she was to except my apology and it allowed both us to grow and heal.

Another example is my relationship with my fiancé. We both show up in less than perfect ways sometimes. Again, this is our human condition…no one is perfect! I can attest to how amazing it feels when you walk away, and the other person comes back and apologizes. This opens the door to communicate and take a step forward towards a healthy relationship.

When you are unwilling to apologize, you are hurting your own personal growth. You are limiting your communication and causing emotional distress and trauma in yourself and to some extent those around you. “I’m sorry” can be therapeutic and is one of the most powerful forms of healing that we can tap into at any time on our own.

 - Amanda (@luxhealingarts ✨)

✨ Thank you 2020 🌙

Thank you for the growth you created.

Thank you for allowing me to learn the relationships that are worth fighting for and the ones that I need to walk away from.

I have become a better mother, friend, and partner through the chaos.

Thank you guides for showing me the path I am on is the one I should be following.

Thank you to all the earth angels that have surrounded me and continue to support me and show up for me.

Thank you 2020 for teaching me the power of slowing down and saying no.

I look forward to time with friends.

I look forward to family dinners and celebrations.

I look forward to hugs and gatherings again.

I look forward to seeing the smiles I energetically feel behind the masks.

As I move into 2021, there are no goals. Only actions I want to take to continue to heal.

I release any fear I carry and I open myself up to receive.

I will continue to learn, grow, and live in abundance.

“Living in abundance means giving to others because you know it will return to you.”

I will continue to love and show gratitude with every cell of my body.

I will continue to meditate, raise my vibration, and vibe off the energy of my crystals.

I will continue to believe in magic and teach others to do the same.

With Love - ❤️ Amanda (@luxhealingarts) 

I want to talk about “abundance” today. I have always struggled with that word. I think it (actually, I know it) stems from my childhood. I grew up coming from a place of scarcity rather than abundance, so I never learned the word and it became this unattainable reality to me.  

The definition of abundance is as follows:

1. a·bun·dance: 1.

a very large quantity of something.

• the state or condition of having a copious quantity of something; plentifulness.

"vines and figs grew in abundance"

• plentifulness of the good things of life; prosperity.

"the growth of industry promised wealth and abundance"

When I read the meaning of abundance, it leaves me not connecting to it in a spiritual sense. I have realized that I feel like some people in our world of spirituality do their followers a disservice by throwing it around so freely. I am confused by the point of, I am so abundant…I just had a 10k month! So, your abundance is only around money? And what were your bills to achieve that 10k month? Did you actually walk away with financial abundance or did you make $1? And are you spiritually abundant by claiming you are???? 

I also see a lot of  “my life is so abundant right now”, but behind the scenes their life is a shit show. When you peel back the layers, they are actually living from a scarcity mindset. This creates a smoke and mirrors effect in a world where we are supposed to be transparent and real. I mean how can you truly raise your vibration and heal others when you are representing a false reality. (Sorry if I am triggering anyone, but if I am, you probably need to dive into why it is.)

I wish I could remember who said it so I could give them credit, but I heard a coach say recently “Living in abundance means giving to others because you know it will return to you.” THIS RESONATED WITH EVERY CELL OF MY BEING!

I don’t ever try to live in a place of scarcity although financially I have gotten sucked into that pattern the last few years. I have my moments of questioning “how the fuck am I going to make this work??” and I throw myself a mini pity party.  Then I do the work to make the finances show up.

A few months ago, I started working with a coach (Haley Calderwood, I highly recommend her to anyone!) and she pushed me through so many limiting beliefs. I started doing birth charts for friends and she pushed me to offer them to the public. I was scared to put myself out there and they sold out in a day. She saw that I had an amazing product and that the story I was telling myself around not offering them was holding me back. Why do we hold ourselves back? Those damn limiting beliefs sneak in.

Then I got a call to be on the local Good Morning Utah broadcast to talk about them! Okay guides, I am listening. I am accepting the abundance.

When it comes to living in abundance in a non-financial way, ­but in an energetic way, I definitely always practice this. I truly believe what I give out to those around me will return. I believe there is enough out there to support all of us. I try to always make sure I am honoring my energetic contracts with people and give what I can in return to what they give me. I have been so blessed to have so many people continually show up for me and I know this is why.

I am so excited to continue my healing and growth in 2021. I am excited to learn more about my own journey of abundance and step into allowing it to flow more. The Tribe and community I am creating around me comes from that abundant mindset and know this in my heart.

My personal perspective of living in abundance is about supporting others and creating a community where we can all reach our goals and create a space of healing. When we are abundant, what we give out will come back to us. When we are happy and growing, everyone around us has the opportunity to be happy and grow. We are moving into a year that is all about community and creativity.

What does abundance mean to you in 2021?

✨ From the darkness shines the brightest light. 🌙

This is a statement I say a lot and it resonates so deeply today as we celebrate the darkest and longest day of the year. The darkness allows us to work through old trauma and release past wounds. The light comes to nourish us and allow us to grow again.

The energy has been so heavy the last few weeks for reasons I don’t need to start rattling off. I know this year has been so hard on so many. We have had to recreate systems and, in some cases, completely overhaul our identities. The light is coming.

This Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn not only means these planets are aligned but the planets also switch signs this year. This is where all the excitement about today’s energy comes from. For the last two hundred years or so the great conjunctions have taken place only in earth signs. Today is switches to Aquarius, an air sign.

While the earth signs are practical and grounded, the air signs are intellectual and creative. We are changing the old paradigms and we are moving into new territory. I love seeing all of the energy workers and intuitives stepping into the light and sharing their messages. We need you! Keep going!

It has also been amazing to see so many people create beautiful new paths this year when theirs was taken away with no warning. As you feel this energy today, see where you are guided. You what is your intuition telling you? Can you let go of an “old idea” and turn it into something exciting and new?

Be gentle has things flow in and out of your life this week. Recognize the thoughts and let them flow around you asking yourself what you truly need. How can you be of service to yourself and others? We are stepping into a period of change where we need to support each other.

Take some time today to reflect on what you want in 2021. Then take some time to show gratitude for the lessons you have learned in 2020.

Happy Winter Solstice! - Amanda (@luxhealingarts ❤️ )

Fuck guys. Talk about having to stare my own lessons I teach people directly in the face right now.

This week has sucked. We found out late Tuesday night that we may have been exposed to COVID. Seth and I made the call to leave the kids at his house until we knew for sure. Testing was behind but my stepson felt sick on Thanksgiving morning, so Billy and I tested Friday. I have never missed a holiday with my kids. I feel like I got sucker-punched in the gut. They were at their dad's for 5 days prior to all this happening so it has been already over a week and I have not seen them.

It was a week of not knowing what the answers are. My brain spinning in confusion of what the plan should be and cleaning everything in the house­­. Focusing on work has been impossible although I have to figure it out somehow because, I again, am the only in the household who can work from home. Billy’s test came back positive, mine was negative.

I was so sad when I realized I can’t see my kids for two more weeks. Through everything I have gone through these last few years, they are always my light at the end of the tunnel when they come home. They always take my mind off things and remind me why I work so hard to keep myself healthy.

Now we are in this weird space where they can’t come home and Billy is quarantined to a room. After two years of being his caretaker, this feels so wrong on so many levels. I want to be next to him. I want to hold him. I want him to comfort me and remind me everything will be okay. Last night I went to bring him food and he said, “Babe it could be worse”. I immediately answered “You’re right. I watched you almost die twice last year. It could be worse.”

I decided to look at my journal entries from last year and I found one I forgot about. It was a letter to myself written on my 40^th birthday, May 3^rd, 2019, the year before COVID. To give you a picture of what life was like that day, Billy had been in the hospital for 35 days since the end of January. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. He came home with a feeding tube where I had to track his calories in hopes of getting even 600 calories a day in him. He had been deemed to unhealthy for chemo (the actual words were, you will die if you start chemo now). Finally started chemo the month before my birthday, but it was making him incredibly sick, because we hadn’t figured out how to keep his nausea under control yet.  

A letter to myself:

Dear Amanda,

Take the time today to appreciate what a caring, loving person you are. You have fought through so much and this is just a little bit more. Remember that the chaos will come to an end. This will all feel like a nightmare in the future.

This may not be what you planned. You may have thought your 40th would have been different but it is what it is. You are healthy, your kids are healthy, and Billy is still here. Celebrate that and leave the rest behind today.

Happy Birthday! You are beautiful.

What a profound journal entry to read, considering where we are now. All things I need to remember.

Today, I am tired. Mentally, physically and everything in between. The stresses of this year piled on top of last make me feel like I am suffocating sometimes. I was hoping I could cry yesterday, and I would wake up today ready to work and focus but I didn’t sleep so here I am still just bailing my eyes out.

I am writing this because it is okay to cry. It is okay to say you feel like shit. It is okay to reach out to friends and let them know how you are feeling. You can be surrounded by the most amazing support system and still feel completely alone at times. Isolation from your loved ones is an unnatural feeling. I miss my kids. I am not sure what will unravel the next couple of weeks.... I have never gone this long without seeing them. 

I am going to try to remember this will all just be a nightmare soon. For now, all I can do is acknowledge my sadness. Acknowledge that my heart hurts. Acknowledge that I am tired.  Use my tools and hope it this time passes quickly. Life has kicked my ass these last few years and all of these feelings are valid.

- Amanda ( @luxhealingarts ❤️ )