I am engaged!!
It is crazy how quick life can go from falling apart to feeling like you are on your exact path. To others it may seem “quick”, “too soon”, and on and on. Those are all social pressures that you allow to be put on you. Only you know what is real and genuine. Only you know what path your soul is telling you, you should be on.
Let’s talk about change and growth for a minute. It is the HARDEST thing I have EVER done. I have probably started about five different blog posts about how hard it is to change your complete life and feel like you are losing everything you ever knew. One day I will find the words to complete them. It is a hard topic to write about without sounding like you are attacking. I don’t want to come off that way, but not sure how to find the words to do that yet. I do want others who are going through the same thing to realize it is nothing personal against them and they can survive it. I want them to know that they are not alone and when people ask them if they really think “the grass will be greener on the other side”, the can confidentially answer yes I know it can be.
I knew for years I was living someone else’s life. I wasn’t happy. I was not being true to my authentic self. I kept repeating what I needed over and over again and it wasn’t coming to me. That wasn’t anyone’s fault around me; I was not where I needed to be. When I got so depressed I knew I had to change or my kids would not have a healthy mother, my family unit, my extended family that said I was part of there’s, most of my friends that I expected to support me were gone. You know how many times I have heard, “I wish I could talk to you but I can’t betray your ex.” Was I not a good friend to you? Did I not love you? Was I not always there for you when you needed it? I was left in pain and wondering why.
I was so depressed, even more than before. Maybe the grass wasn’t greener? Maybe we are not meant to live lives that feel amazing everyday……WRONG. This is the mentality so many people get trapped in! THIS STATEMENT IS SO WRONG!
We are all meant to live lives that are full of everything we need. I am not saying perfect but we should feel happy and like we are on the right path. I did the work. I started to focus on the things in life that were important to me. I got healthy. Taking drugs and alcohol out of the equation was a life changer. (Yeah, I get it. It sounds like common sense, but it wasn’t for me.)
When Billy and I decided to move in together, I questioned is this too soon? Is this healthy for my kids? I knew in my heart it would be amazing. And it has been. Our home is filled with love. We support each other and try to always be there for all our children’s needs. Our kids know when they come here it is a space of calm, positive energy.
Then we started talking about getting engaged. He had sent me a picture of the current ring on my hand only about 6 months after we were dating. I remember thinking “Oh my god, I love this man.” Then immediately thinking, what the hell? I have lost my mind! I just went through a horrible divorce not that long ago! Why would I ever even entertain the idea??
Months passed. Living together has been amazing. Conversations about marriage and family are always a hot topic with my little’s. Just a few weeks before we got engaged, my daughter painted a picture and called me over to the table. She said, “Mommy, I painted a family portrait.” I expected to be of her, Kai and myself. When I got there, I saw the words: Mommy, Mykla, Kai, Billy, and Daddy. My heart melted. If only everyone could look through the eyes of babes. She immediately asked if we could hang it up and I said of course! It hangs right in our main area by the kitchen and the front door for us all to see every day.
Then came the engagement. We both got rings. It is our promise to each other and our children that we are committed to each other and our families. Nothing has ever felt so right! I know you are thinking, but wait you did this before. I tell people all the time, I wish I could bottle this feeling up so I can share it with my daughter. I have never felt this before. I didn’t’ know what this felt like for that reason. I had never felt this kind of love.
Now that I was engaged, how would we tell the kids? I was so nervous. I knew they loved Billy, but how would the react? My son hated the “M” word. Do I take my ring off when they get home from school? What do I do???
I decided to leave the ring on. My daughter, of course, noticed right away. My son then half laughing asked, “What is that?” I had no idea they really even knew what an engagement ring was. I always wear rings on that finger. I answered that when Billy got home from work we all needed to talk. In my head I am thinking, here we go. I have a number for a therapist on speed dial ready to go. (Joking…kinda 🙃)
When Billy got home, the kids immediately wanted to talk. I won’t give every detail as to keep some of their privacy but I was floored by the response. They were happy! I had no idea that this would be a positive thing for them. I was so worried, that they would be upset.
The whole point is that they feel our love. Our home is happy and healthy and everyone around us feels it. I truly cannot say this enough. If you don’t feel like you are on the right path change it! Work, relationship, friends…whatever it is. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you are true to yourself and what your genuine soul needs, you will come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier.
I do want to say, I do believe I was meant to marry before. I don’t think that was a mistake. I loved him. It was just different. Without marrying him, I wouldn’t have learned so many life lessons I needed to learn to get to where I am today. That was the only way my two beautiful children would have been created. Their souls needed their father and me to be together and for this, I am blessed.
I write not because I feel like I have all the answers or everything figured out. I write because I want to share my story to hopefully give hope to a lost soul that may need it.
- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)
I AM ENGAGED! And at this moment, I couldn’t possibly be any happier!