Today my baby girl turns 8. As your child grows, it brings up so many emotions. I was reflecting last night about when I was pregnant with her. It was a really hard pregnancy. I was in a lot of pain and I was working way too much. I didn’t show myself love so how could I expect the people around me to. I used to say all the time “I don’t want a little girl anything like me.” What hurtful words to say to myself and to my unborn daughter!!

I didn’t realize it at the time, but those words were the acknowledgement that the life I was living was not authentic. I did not want her to grow up and be the “party girl”. I used to joke that I had daddy issues and she wouldn’t have those so she would be fine. It was so much more than that. When I chose to say “I don’t want you to be like me” I wasn’t acknowledging the qualities in me that I LOVE and I did want her to have.

It breaks down to this.  What you focus on becomes your reality. When I started to change my focus to what was important to me in life, my reality shifted. I have come a long way in learning to love myself and know that I deserve that love in return. I am damn proud today that that little girl is exactly like me.

Her energy lights up a room. Her drive and ambition are going to take her where ever her heart dreams she wants to go. If someone tells her she can’t do something, she says “oh yeah, watch this”. She is gentle, compassionate and love pours from every cell in her body. I am so proud she is exactly like me.

You are my strong, beautiful little girl who will eventually turn into a strong, beautiful woman. You are ambitious, caring and gentle. I promise to continue to learn and grow and be the best version of myself for you and your brother. I will let you learn your lessons but please do not grow up too fast.

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Always keep believing in magic. Fairies are real and your dreams can become your reality. Always talk nice about yourself. Never take anything too serious. Always know how much your family loves you.

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You are a shining light in a dark world. Your light will help others and I will always be here to hold your hand through the journey. I love you Mykla Bella. Happy Birthday and thank you for choosing me to be your mother.

I am engaged!!

It is crazy how quick life can go from falling apart to feeling like you are on your exact path. To others it may seem “quick”, “too soon”, and on and on. Those are all social pressures that you allow to be put on you. Only you know what is real and genuine. Only you know what path your soul is telling you, you should be on.

Let’s talk about change and growth for a minute. It is the HARDEST thing I have EVER done. I have probably started about five different blog posts about how hard it is to change your complete life and feel like you are losing everything you ever knew. One day I will find the words to complete them. It is a hard topic to write about without sounding like you are attacking. I don’t want to come off that way, but not sure how to find the words to do that yet. I do want others who are going through the same thing to realize it is nothing personal against them and they can survive it. I want them to know that they are not alone and when people ask them if they really think “the grass will be greener on the other side”, the can confidentially answer yes I know it can be.

I knew for years I was living someone else’s life. I wasn’t happy. I was not being true to my authentic self. I kept repeating what I needed over and over again and it wasn’t coming to me. That wasn’t anyone’s fault around me; I was not where I needed to be. When I got so depressed I knew I had to change or my kids would not have a healthy mother, my family unit, my extended family that said I was part of there’s, most of my friends that I expected to support me were gone. You know how many times I have heard, “I wish I could talk to you but I can’t betray your ex.” Was I not a good friend to you? Did I not love you? Was I not always there for you when you needed it? I was left in pain and wondering why.

I was so depressed, even more than before. Maybe the grass wasn’t greener? Maybe we are not meant to live lives that feel amazing everyday……WRONG. This is the mentality so many people get trapped in! THIS STATEMENT IS SO WRONG!

We are all meant to live lives that are full of everything we need. I am not saying perfect but we should feel happy and like we are on the right path. I did the work. I started to focus on the things in life that were important to me. I got healthy. Taking drugs and alcohol out of the equation was a life changer. (Yeah, I get it. It sounds like common sense, but it wasn’t for me.)

When Billy and I decided to move in together, I questioned is this too soon? Is this healthy for my kids? I knew in my heart it would be amazing. And it has been. Our home is filled with love. We support each other and try to always be there for all our children’s needs. Our kids know when they come here it is a space of calm, positive energy.

Then we started talking about getting engaged. He had sent me a picture of the current ring on my hand only about 6 months after we were dating. I remember thinking “Oh my god, I love this man.” Then immediately thinking, what the hell? I have lost my mind! I just went through a horrible divorce not that long ago! Why would I ever even entertain the idea??

Months passed. Living together has been amazing. Conversations about marriage and family are always a hot topic with my little’s. Just a few weeks before we got engaged, my daughter painted a picture and called me over to the table. She said, “Mommy, I painted a family portrait.” I expected to be of her, Kai and myself. When I got there, I saw the words: Mommy, Mykla, Kai, Billy, and Daddy. My heart melted. If only everyone could look through the eyes of babes. She immediately asked if we could hang it up and I said of course! It hangs right in our main area by the kitchen and the front door for us all to see every day.

Then came the engagement. We both got rings. It is our promise to each other and our children that we are committed to each other and our families. Nothing has ever felt so right! I know you are thinking, but wait you did this before. I tell people all the time, I wish I could bottle this feeling up so I can share it with my daughter. I have never felt this before. I didn’t’ know what this felt like for that reason. I had never felt this kind of love.

Now that I was engaged, how would we tell the kids? I was so nervous. I knew they loved Billy, but how would the react? My son hated the “M” word. Do I take my ring off when they get home from school? What do I do???

I decided to leave the ring on. My daughter, of course, noticed right away. My son then half laughing asked, “What is that?” I had no idea they really even knew what an engagement ring was. I always wear rings on that finger. I answered that when Billy got home from work we all needed to talk. In my head I am thinking, here we go. I have a number for a therapist on speed dial ready to go. (Joking…kinda 🙃)

When Billy got home, the kids immediately wanted to talk. I won’t give every detail as to keep some of their privacy but I was floored by the response. They were happy! I had no idea that this would be a positive thing for them. I was so worried, that they would be upset.

The whole point is that they feel our love. Our home is happy and healthy and everyone around us feels it. I truly cannot say this enough. If you don’t feel like you are on the right path change it! Work, relationship, friends…whatever it is. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you are true to yourself and what your genuine soul needs, you will come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier.

I do want to say, I do believe I was meant to marry before. I don’t think that was a mistake. I loved him. It was just different. Without marrying him, I wouldn’t have learned so many life lessons I needed to learn to get to where I am today. That was the only way my two beautiful children would have been created. Their souls needed their father and me to be together and for this, I am blessed.

I write not because I feel like I have all the answers or everything figured out. I write because I want to share my story to hopefully give hope to a lost soul that may need it.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

I AM ENGAGED! And at this moment, I couldn’t possibly be any happier!

Wow you guys, Christmas has come and gone! This morning I am reflecting on all the love that surrounds me in this present moment. Christmas is hard on so many. Last week I was stressing about not having time to send out Christmas cards and not getting to do every little thing I had wanted to do on my list. I was in tears at the store because I felt overwhelmed with the commercial aspect of Christmas and did I do well by my kids? I was worried about all the things that weren’t important.

I completely unplugged on Christmas Eve. I didn’t care where my phone was nor did I think about it. For those of you that know me and know how hard I constantly work, this is an amazing accomplishment! It also made me realize that I need to schedule more unplug days in 2019. Not just holidays, scheduled days during the month. Everything can wait. My kids and my family cannot.

Christmas was here. You know what was important? Having all of my boyfriend’s kids and my kids sleeping under one roof for the night. Waking up next to the 3 loves of my life. Having all our kids get to spend Christmas morning together. This was Christmas. This was all I wanted. Last night I was so relaxed, so happy laying in my loves arms thinking about the day. This was the best Christmas I had had in years.

It is hard to not get wrapped up in the things “you are supposed to do”. It is hard to not get carried away in the commercial aspect of Christmas that bombards us all. I hope that you all woke up today feeling LOVE. Love for yourself,  love for your family (blood or chosen), and appreciation for where you are in this moment.

Happy Holidays from our tribe to yours! Take a little time to love yourself and spread love today.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

A few weeks ago, an old friend I hadn’t seen in years told me excitedly that he reads all of my blog posts and loves them. He followed that by asking why I never talk about my kids. I guess I didn’t realize this until he pointed it out. This brought me to question myself as to why I haven’t written much about them.

I am a mom to a 9-year-old little boy and a 7-year-old little girl. When I grew up, I never really wanted to have kids. I was fearful I wouldn’t be able to be the type of Mother I should be. They are hands down THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I cannot imagine my world without them, and they truly saved my life.

That being said this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Add in a crazy divorce, that still impacts them daily and you can begin to go down the “I am the worst human on the planet” rabbit hole really easy. This is why I don’t I talk about them much. There are still some many things pertaining to them that I don’t agree with. Rules and choices that were made during this divorce process that I still don’t understand and never will. Some things so upsetting that I spent thousands of dollars to go back to court just this last summer.

I could just write about the good days. I could write about the chaotic days of trying to juggle work, school runs and activities that leave you feeling like a dog chasing his own tail for 12 hours in a circle and getting nowhere. (I bet all the parents reading this are laughing right now because you totally understand what I mean!)

When I right my blogs, the words just flow from me with not much thought. When I think about what I honestly want to write about when it pertains to my kids, it isn’t time yet. I haven’t healed yet and I am still dealing with decisions I don’t understand regularly. The honesty of my blogs is what people relate too and I need to respect my children and their space as we grow and learn from these life lessons.

I can say I love my conversations with my littles. They teach me so much every day. I love they still want to cuddle with me every night and I pray that lasts forever. The chaos that comes with kids is never-ending. It’s like someone is throwing fastballs at you continually throughout the day and you just have to stop everything you are doing and catch them. (That analogy will defiantly resonate with the single working moms out there.) I am sure I will think of more posts that I do want to write when it comes to them, but this is a brief explanation of why I haven’t yet.

Who knows, maybe this brief blog was a part of the healing I needed to open the door to move forward. Maybe you will get to hear more about my adventures of a basically single mom (my boyfriend works 50+ hours a week, and of his 8 days of the month we only have the kids on 2 of the 8) ….. Let me start that sentence again. More stories to come of the basically single mom who owns and runs two companies and the third company is a DJ career that still has her traveling out of state at least once a month to play shows.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

So I decided to do this thing about a month ago and get “CALM” tattooed on my knuckles. I originally was going to do “STAY CALM” on both hands but I don’t know if I am that badass to have all my knuckles tattooed.

I did like the multiple meanings of Stay and the idea of having that on my body. Fuck there have been a few periods of my life where I had to convince myself it was worth it to stay. Life felt so hard at times that escaping with drugs was all I could do to handle the pain. I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t met my ex-husband at the age of 20. I tell people all the time he saved my life. And I know he did. (That story will have to wait for another blog post.)

But calm. Calm resonates so much with me in my adult life. How can I stop the spinning of anxiety and just “STAY CALM.” We have this fight or flight system that is built into our genetics. A fire inside us that if fed can grow out of control. Then as we grow we are taught to fight. As a young girl, growing up in a single mother household, I felt like I had to fight for everything. It is exhausting to always be on guard. I appreciate the struggle because I am a strong, independent woman today but I know the same result can be accomplished in a healthier way.

We fight with our words, our fists, our emotions. Calm tattooed on my punching fist. Can we teach our children to not fight with their fists and words but to just “Stay Calm”? I want to teach my children meditation and slowing down. I want them to be aware when someone around them is hurting so they can be sensitive to how their actions affect them.  I don’t want them to learn to have to fight and scream to be heard. There is incredible self-empowerment in being able to control your emotions and calm yourself down. Teach them that the fire inside them is a beautiful thing. Teach them to use it as positive energy and not let it get out of control.

The fight or flight is inside us. It is primal. We can all use it in a positive way. This is my message. Stay Calm. Spread love. Live life.

- Amanda (@missdjlux)

With the Holiday Season upon us, I just thought I would take a moment to share another perspective with you.  Especially with everything going on in society right now. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently with my children.  I can’t go back in time, but if I continue to share what I have learned along the way then maybe I can influence the next generation in a positive way.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good hug and being an empath, a hug from the right person can give me such a recharge of energy, but before I learned that I had a choice, that I didn’t have to hug everyone, it was also a fast way to deplete my energy. When our children are young, 3-6 years old, they are discovering that they are their own person. With this discovery comes a time of learning to listen to their instincts, learning that they have a voice, learning that they’re emotions and feelings are theirs and not their parents. We as adults have a responsibility to help them navigate all of these feelings, not to push ours onto them.

Think about this for a moment, it’s Thanksgiving and Uncle Johnny shows up who hasn’t been around for years. You say to your daughter or son, “go give Uncle Johnny a big hug, you need to thank him for the present he sent you on your Birthday”.  Do we want our children to learn that if someone gives them a “present” they have to “hug” them or allow them to “touch” them when it feels uncomfortable to them? Now I know some of you are thinking, “but this is my family, I trust them, my children should trust me”.  Uncle Johnny is a stranger to your child, they need the opportunity to get to know them, to feel comfortable around them before they get that close to them. We need to teach our children to learn what their feelings are and what they’re boundaries are. They need to learn that when something doesn’t feel right, it’s ok to say no. Now I’m not saying to give your children permission to be rude, give them options, a handshake or high-five, and teach them to do what feels comfortable for them.

Personally, I know that as a child, I was always expected to give everyone a hug when they came to visit or left. What a confusing thing to do to our children.  I always BEG people when I am around their children to not force them to hug me. They need to learn that they have a voice both inside and out and we need to respect that. How can they learn what their boundaries are if we as adults constantly force them to do something that feels unnatural or uncomfortable? It doesn't mean they don't like us or have anything against us, it just means that we're not welcome into their most intimate circle and that's ok!  What a beautiful thing it is when they do feel comfortable enough to let us in.

PLEASE, if you have ever agreed with anything I've posted, PLEASE take this one to heart because I believe it with every fiber of my being. Allow your children to OWN their boundaries! Allow every hug they give and receive to reenergize them because all they feel is LOVE.

Happy Holidays! May we all be blessed with a Safe and Loving Holiday Season filled with Gratitude...

- Celeste (@motherhealing 💖🙏🏻💗)