The last two weeks have been really emotional. Our situation is not ideal. I am very stressed about supporting a family of six and finding us a house to live in that is big enough for all us and I can afford on my own. My world is heavy.

 

My 40^th birthday is in two days. I am trying to do so much work right now to keep so many balls in the air at some point every day I have tears because I am “doing the best I can” and I am not sure I am doing enough. I am doing my best to stay mentally strong.

 

May is mental health awareness month. In this moment that brings so many things to the surface for me.  With all the chaos going on I truly feel blessed. On chemo days Billy and I have gratitude for the medicine that will cure him. We choose to try to look at what is positive and what “is” in this moment.

 

Last night this idea came to the surface for me and what turning 40 means. I had the most amazing energy session with Lesha Krantz Nelson. I have been so blessed to have a community of people around me that are trying to help me every day. When we finished, I felt as I always do. I just don’t know how to show gratitude and thanks in a way that my heart truly feels to the people who are holding me up right now. I feel like I walk around in a haze and I wonder if I even say thank you at times. After our session, I experienced the most amazing gift.

 This is what I wrote:

I stand alone in my darkness.
I stand alone in my fear.

I will promise to hold you, so your light won’t dim.
I will dry your tears.

I will try to find the time to pause and release the pollution from my mind.
I will be there when my children need to cry.
 
As my mind settles and my energy clears.
I realize I was never alone.
Every single one of you was always here.

 

For my 40^th birthday, I am going to try to say thanks and show gratitude every day in the month of May. May, mental health month, I will shift my perspective from the stress and the chaos to gratitude to someone or something that is helping me juggle all these balls in the air. They are helping me keep my vibration in a place I need to keep everyone around me in a healthy state of mind. I may not post. I may not say every name I should, but I know I am strong because of the army I have around me. My perspective is positive because of the love and light everyone shares with me every day. I am blessed and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

 

May 1^st, 2019 Gratitude + Thank-You:  FAMILY

Thank you to Billy for trying to put me first even when you feel so ill. Thank you to his three sons for coming into my life and showing me another layer of love and support. Thank you to my children for being beautiful, positive souls in this world. Thank you to my Aunt and my cousins for dropping everything to help my kids when I need them to. Thank you to the Murphy’s for offering us so much support and helping us in ways I can’t even express with the correct words.  Thank you to all of my family.

May 2^nd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: William Murphy

Can I tell you something just between you and me?
When I hear your voice, I know I'm finally free
Every single word is perfect as it can be
And I need you here with me
When you lift me up, I know that I'll never fall
I can speak to you by saying nothing at all
Every single time, I find it harder to breathe
'Cause I need you here with me

- Lyrics by Marshmellow + Chvrches 

Mykla and I are obsessed with this song. As we were screaming it on the top of our lungs last night I started to cry. The words couldn’t ring truer. Gratitude and thank- you every day to him. He has taught me so many lessons. He is fighting so hard through the darkness. His heart is open, and he is doing everything he needs to in order to get stronger and heal.

I am completely in love will all of this man and I feel blessed every day that he came into my life.

 

 

May 3rd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: FOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MYSELF

 How many of say we love ourselves? I didn’t for a very long time. It left me in a pattern of self-destruction and toxic relationships that were always emptying my cup and never filling it back up. I loved myself enough to finally make changes and stand up for my worth. I loved myself enough to get sober. I loved myself enough to put my mental health first.

One of the messages I received today was “move away from the pain and leave it behind.” I am trying so damn hard. I keep asking lately “what is the lesson in this?” Yesterday was messy. This week was messy. I broke down and lost it. My skin was crawling. I was yelling. I was so angry. I try so hard to carry the world on my shoulders and there are these outside forces that just keep this tornado swirling around us constantly and sometimes I lose my footing and I get swooped in.

But then there it is…. the lesson right in front of me. I am not alone in this. I have the most amazing support system. It is okay that I get overwhelmed and upset, I am only human. I am so thankful for the people who pick me up when I break. I am so thankful that our family has help from others.

When I break, it does not equal self-destruction anymore. It doesn’t equal me trying to ignore the problems in front of me. I don’t go on a bender to try to forget everything, only to go down a dark tunnel of disaster with no end. All it means to me now is I need to stop. I need to reassess everything I need.  I HAVE everything I need. That means I just need to take a little time to fill my cup back up.

As my best friend put it last month. I level up today. I start a new chapter. This is 40. At the beginning of the year, I had set a personal goal of being in the best shape of my life on my 40^th birthday. Well, chaos hit. I have barely gone to the gym in 3 months. I looked damn good at 39! (ha ha this pic was taken last fall).

So, I didn’t reach my physical goal (yet!). But ­I can tell you this, I am in the best mental shape of my entire life. I still break but I am mentally stronger than I have ever been. For that I have gratitude. My whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I will get up tomorrow and fight harder than today. He will be okay. When he wins this battle, my cup will be overflowing.

May 4th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: Friends + Supportive Parent Network

The saying it takes an army is an understatement. Lately, my life has been so overwhelming trying to juggle medical appointments, being the head of the household, two small children and work for myself, without my friends and the other parents helping me, I couldn’t make it all work. I appreciate every one of you who takes the time to support me and my children. I need you and I could not do it without you.
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May 5th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank you: For this moment

Those close to me know what transpired this week. If I wrote it all out most of you wouldn’t believe me. I somehow was cast as a lead character in a soap opera I do not want to be a part of. It has been chaos from all angles. As my aunt put it earlier “I am clearing a lot of shit right now”. …. Little did she know I am currently reading a book called “Clear your Shit”.

I am showing up universe. I am listening. I am thankful for this moment as I sit outside this coffee shop reflecting. I am a survivor. I always have and I always will.

 

May 6th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For today we are here.

I give thanks in that.

 

May 7^th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For my patience.

 

As I get older, I am able to stop, slow down and process the situations I am in. This tool alone can save so much self-destruction and grief. I allow people to steal my power. No matter how manipulative or emotionally abusive, I can slow down, process and not react.

 

May 8^th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For my Aunt

 

I have written before about our journey of growth and forgiveness. We have been through a lot together. Some of the hardest years of my life, I was not talking to her. We grew. We forgave. We support each other and our dreams. Little did we know but we were supporting each other even when we were not talking. They were lessons we both needed to learn. We are now business partners in a company that I know is going to do great things, Crystalline Tribe.

 

I love watching her help people realize their true gifts and giving them a different perspective. Her classes are more than self-love, forgiveness and learning about your intuition. They are all filled with tools to empower yourself so you can live your authentic life. I love being one of her students. She has come into her authentic self and she is teaching a community to as well.

( I missed a few days! I jotted words down in my journal but I decided to be authentic and not post just the words. Life gets busy! Time to start again. Nothing is perfect.)

 

May 13th, 2019

Chemo Day #4 - Gratitude and Thank you to everyone who has helped us financially over the last few months. This is an overbearing and unexpected situation. Without our family, support system and the wonderful businesses donating their time and helping us, we would not have made it. Thank you @bigdeluxetattoo @regalbarberco and now this Saturday @xoxo_hats_for_strength 
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Our family is blessed and I don’t have enough thank you’s in the world. 
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You can still register for the event this Saturday. Go to @xoxo_hats_for_strength to learn more. ❤️

May 14^th, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: My fitness community.

@saltlakepoweryoga, @mamaloves23, @rise_boxing, and @otfparkcity …. You have all supported me in a time that self-care unfortunately for me is the last thing on my list. Thank you for reaching out and giving me the push and support I need to keep myself strong. When I work out, I feel better mentally. When I work out, I can keep the anxiety at bay a little bit more. I can breathe a little bit easier. When I work out, I am a little bit stronger to take on the world around me.

 

July 10th, 2019

 

- Amanda ( @missdjlux ❤️)

 

I saw this alarming statistic on my social media feed this morning: 5.3 million women in the US with Alcohol Use Disorder. When I researched it, I realized that statistic is from 2015! Imagine what the number is today? Yet, here we are in 2019 and alcohol is still glorified everywhere around us, and we are taught that it is okay to be a part of our everyday life.

 

 

Alcohol is a depressant. It is not for everyone. If you are one of those people, you should not be ashamed to choose sobriety. As I stand here today, going through the most trying time of my life, I feel so blessed to have realized 500 days ago that to be the mom that I wanted to be I did not want alcohol in my life anymore.

 

 

Five hundred days sober today. I am proud to say those words. I am mentally strong. I almost lost the love of my life a few months back and now he has begun the journey of healing through chemotherapy this week. I feel all the emotions. The gratitude, the fear, the stress of how I will make it all work and the depression at night when I feel alone. Feeling all the emotions allows me to work through them. I can validate them; I can be gentle with myself and I can find solutions to the problems that can be fixed.

 

 

If I was drinking, I would be just trying to escape all the emotions. Then it would turn into this downward spiral of trying to escape but in reality, not being able to. Then it would lead to my own illness and falling apart in a time that I can’t. No more escaping. I choose to feel.

 

 

Billy and I talk every day (even before he was sick) about gratitude. Through his path of healing, we choose to focus on that. Gratitude for my support system. Gratitude for my family and friends. Gratitude for Billy fighting as hard as he can and doing everything in his power to heal. Today I have gratitude for my sobriety.

 

 

When I began my sobriety journey, I wasn’t completely sure why. When I continued, I wasn’t sure it would be forever. Today I know why. It was the beginning of my healing journey. I have gratitude for my life and where this path is leading me.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

I am engaged!!

 

It is crazy how quick life can go from falling apart to feeling like you are on your exact path. To others it may seem “quick”, “too soon”, and on and on. Those are all social pressures that you allow to be put on you. Only you know what is real and genuine. Only you know what path your soul is telling you, you should be on.

 

Let’s talk about change and growth for a minute. It is the HARDEST thing I have EVER done. I have probably started about five different blog posts about how hard it is to change your complete life and feel like you are losing everything you ever knew. One day I will find the words to complete them. It is a hard topic to write about without sounding like you are attacking. I don’t want to come off that way, but not sure how to find the words to do that yet. I do want others who are going through the same thing to realize it is nothing personal against them and they can survive it. I want them to know that they are not alone and when people ask them if they really think “the grass will be greener on the other side”, the can confidentially answer yes I know it can be.

 

I knew for years I was living someone else’s life. I wasn’t happy. I was not being true to my authentic self. I kept repeating what I needed over and over again and it wasn’t coming to me. That wasn’t anyone’s fault around me; I was not where I needed to be. When I got so depressed I knew I had to change or my kids would not have a healthy mother, my family unit, my extended family that said I was part of there’s, most of my friends that I expected to support me were gone. You know how many times I have heard, “I wish I could talk to you but I can’t betray your ex.” Was I not a good friend to you? Did I not love you? Was I not always there for you when you needed it? I was left in pain and wondering why.

 

I was so depressed, even more than before. Maybe the grass wasn’t greener? Maybe we are not meant to live lives that feel amazing everyday……WRONG. This is the mentality so many people get trapped in! THIS STATEMENT IS SO WRONG!

 

We are all meant to live lives that are full of everything we need. I am not saying perfect but we should feel happy and like we are on the right path. I did the work. I started to focus on the things in life that were important to me. I got healthy. Taking drugs and alcohol out of the equation was a life changer. (Yeah, I get it. It sounds like common sense, but it wasn’t for me.)

 

When Billy and I decided to move in together, I questioned is this too soon? Is this healthy for my kids? I knew in my heart it would be amazing. And it has been. Our home is filled with love. We support each other and try to always be there for all our children’s needs. Our kids know when they come here it is a space of calm, positive energy.

 

Then we started talking about getting engaged. He had sent me a picture of the current ring on my hand only about 6 months after we were dating. I remember thinking “Oh my god, I love this man.” Then immediately thinking, what the hell? I have lost my mind! I just went through a horrible divorce not that long ago! Why would I ever even entertain the idea??

 

Months passed. Living together has been amazing. Conversations about marriage and family are always a hot topic with my little’s. Just a few weeks before we got engaged, my daughter painted a picture and called me over to the table. She said, “Mommy, I painted a family portrait.” I expected to be of her, Kai and myself. When I got there, I saw the words: Mommy, Mykla, Kai, Billy, and Daddy. My heart melted. If only everyone could look through the eyes of babes. She immediately asked if we could hang it up and I said of course! It hangs right in our main area by the kitchen and the front door for us all to see every day.

 

Then came the engagement. We both got rings. It is our promise to each other and our children that we are committed to each other and our families. Nothing has ever felt so right! I know you are thinking, but wait you did this before. I tell people all the time, I wish I could bottle this feeling up so I can share it with my daughter. I have never felt this before. I didn’t’ know what this felt like for that reason. I had never felt this kind of love.

 

Now that I was engaged, how would we tell the kids? I was so nervous. I knew they loved Billy, but how would the react? My son hated the “M” word. Do I take my ring off when they get home from school? What do I do???

 

I decided to leave the ring on. My daughter, of course, noticed right away. My son then half laughing asked, “What is that?” I had no idea they really even knew what an engagement ring was. I always wear rings on that finger. I answered that when Billy got home from work we all needed to talk. In my head I am thinking, here we go. I have a number for a therapist on speed dial ready to go. (Joking…kinda 🙃)

 

When Billy got home, the kids immediately wanted to talk. I won’t give every detail as to keep some of their privacy but I was floored by the response. They were happy! I had no idea that this would be a positive thing for them. I was so worried, that they would be upset.

 

The whole point is that they feel our love. Our home is happy and healthy and everyone around us feels it. I truly cannot say this enough. If you don’t feel like you are on the right path change it! Work, relationship, friends…whatever it is. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you are true to yourself and what your genuine soul needs, you will come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier.

 

I do want to say, I do believe I was meant to marry before. I don’t think that was a mistake. I loved him. It was just different. Without marrying him, I wouldn’t have learned so many life lessons I needed to learn to get to where I am today. That was the only way my two beautiful children would have been created. Their souls needed their father and me to be together and for this, I am blessed.

 

I write not because I feel like I have all the answers or everything figured out. I write because I want to share my story to hopefully give hope to a lost soul that may need it.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

 

I AM ENGAGED! And at this moment, I couldn’t possibly be any happier!

Holidays can be trying in so many ways, but I think none more trying than for those that have lost a loved one. Especially if it is the 1st Holiday Season without their loved one.

 

I had the honor of having another very late-night conversation with a very dear friend of mine the other day. He lost his son a few months ago to suicide, I can only imagine the rollercoaster ride of emotions that go with a parent losing a child. We usually have late night texting conversations, but this time was different. I could tell he was feeling a bit heavier than before, so I decided a conversation would be better.

 

We spoke about so many things, the heaviness he was feeling with the thought that he didn’t do enough, the enormous hole in his heart for the thought of not being able to hug or converse with his son again. I allowed him to voice all he needed to, trying to support when I could and encourage him to know that there was nothing he could have done. This was a path that his son was on and it was his to navigate.

 

We also spoke about a few of our friends that have also lost children over the years. We discussed how they died, overdose, car accident, sickness and came to the absolute conclusion that it does not matter. It is sad that even in death suicide carries astigmatism. A loss is a loss, how does not matter, the pain is still there, and it is very real.

 

We also discussed how difficult it is sometimes to go anywhere. That sometimes it can be uncomfortable, and I really had to look inside for this one. I know myself, in the past, I have avoided some people because I didn’t know what to say to them and I didn’t want to upset them. Since I have reawakened my soul I see things so differently. Now I realize that it’s ok to just be there and hug them, it’s ok to just listen and let them share or cry, it’s ok to sit in silence with them and let them know they are not alone, that this pain they are feeling will become more bearable. It’s ok to not be able to “fix” a situation, sometimes the best thing you can do is just “be”.

 

If you know someone that has lost a loved one don’t avoid them, don’t be afraid to bring up the person they have lost or to say their name. Don’t worry about whether you are going to make them think about their loved one and disrupt what may be a “good day”….. Don’t worry about any of these things just love them and hold a space of healing and strength for them.

 

Think of a great memory you have of their loved one and then tell them. Say “Hey, I was just thinking about ***** the other day and that time that he ……..” This solidifies that their loved one’s life had meaning, that their time here on this earth meant something. You’re not going to upset them. I promise you, not a minute of the day goes by that they are not thinking about their loved one. Sometimes, it’s hard to think about them and not go down the rabbit hole of despair and sadness. What a gift you can give to them by sharing a beautiful memory and pulling them out of that vibration for a bit. When you share a memory, you honor the loved one that has crossed.

 

Remember, every person grieves in their own way. There are no rules to grieving. Allow people to feel all the feelings they need to and please know that every loss holds the same pain and deserves the same respect and love.

 

In closing, it is more important than ever to remember self-care at this time of the year. This can be something as simple as taking a bath in the middle of the afternoon or sitting in your car in a parking lot and doing meditation to re-center and ground yourself.

 

Happy Holidays

🙏🏻💕🙏🏻 @motheringhealing

A few weeks ago, an old friend I hadn’t seen in years told me excitedly that he reads all of my blog posts and loves them. He followed that by asking why I never talk about my kids. I guess I didn’t realize this until he pointed it out. This brought me to question myself as to why I haven’t written much about them.

 

I am a mom to a 9-year-old little boy and a 7-year-old little girl. When I grew up, I never really wanted to have kids. I was fearful I wouldn’t be able to be the type of Mother I should be. They are hands down THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I cannot imagine my world without them, and they truly saved my life.

 

That being said this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Add in a crazy divorce, that still impacts them daily and you can begin to go down the “I am the worst human on the planet” rabbit hole really easy. This is why I don’t I talk about them much. There are still some many things pertaining to them that I don’t agree with. Rules and choices that were made during this divorce process that I still don’t understand and never will. Some things so upsetting that I spent thousands of dollars to go back to court just this last summer.

 

I could just write about the good days. I could write about the chaotic days of trying to juggle work, school runs and activities that leave you feeling like a dog chasing his own tail for 12 hours in a circle and getting nowhere. (I bet all the parents reading this are laughing right now because you totally understand what I mean!)

 

When I right my blogs, the words just flow from me with not much thought. When I think about what I honestly want to write about when it pertains to my kids, it isn’t time yet. I haven’t healed yet and I am still dealing with decisions I don’t understand regularly. The honesty of my blogs is what people relate too and I need to respect my children and their space as we grow and learn from these life lessons.

 

I can say I love my conversations with my littles. They teach me so much every day. I love they still want to cuddle with me every night and I pray that lasts forever. The chaos that comes with kids is never-ending. It’s like someone is throwing fastballs at you continually throughout the day and you just have to stop everything you are doing and catch them. (That analogy will defiantly resonate with the single working moms out there.) I am sure I will think of more posts that I do want to write when it comes to them, but this is a brief explanation of why I haven’t yet.

 

Who knows, maybe this brief blog was a part of the healing I needed to open the door to move forward. Maybe you will get to hear more about my adventures of a basically single mom (my boyfriend works 50+ hours a week, and of his 8 days of the month we only have the kids on 2 of the 8) ….. Let me start that sentence again. More stories to come of the basically single mom who owns and runs two companies and the third company is a DJ career that still has her traveling out of state at least once a month to play shows.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)