Our world is bombarded with movies, images, and stories that tell us what a family should be. When you were young, you probably had an image in your head of the perfect family. Well when you are brought up in an environment where your family doesn’t match that “perfect” family, it can be really hard.
I was that child. I spent half of my childhood at my grandparents’ house, which I loved! I don’t know where I would be without my Memere and Pepere. Well, right next door lived Mr. and Mrs. Pelletier. They were my grandparents as well, but I was born out of wedlock, so I was just Amanda to them they were, Mr. and Mrs. Pelletier to me. Then my dad who suffered severe PTSD from the Vietnam war would also live there at times. He was always in and out of VA hospitals so it was always random, and I didn’t usually know when I would see him. I realized later in life that he was honoring my wishes, but he used to walk by me in the yard with his head down and not even say hello.
I knew this felt wrong. He was my dad; he should say hello. I also knew to some extent it was okay. I feel like most of my “daddy issues” and feelings of no self-worth came from what society told me the relationship should look like. I have spent years processing this and when he died on this day 4 years ago, my world forever changed. I could no longer live in a space where I didn’t respect myself. I had to move past the trauma for good and stand in my power. I am a beautiful human who shows so much love to the people around me and the question of “why can’t they love me the same way in return” was an old story that I did not need to tell myself anymore. (I will write more about the stories we tell ourselves, and how they continue to show up in our lives on another day.)
Today’s message is about healing and forgiveness. Growing up I always knew I had a connection to my dad. I always knew he was special. Society told me he was sick, and he was a “dead beat dad” but I didn’t feel that way in my heart. You see his veil between our world and the next was very thin. He saw things most people couldn’t see. He felt the energy of people without them saying a word.
I got this from him and unlike most children, I never lost it. I have always seen things that I was told: “couldn’t be there”. I have always felt overwhelming energy from people and spaces. If I had been taught about these feelings at a younger age, I probably wouldn’t have battled with anxiety so bad through my adolescence and 20’s.
When I was younger, I was scared of it. In my 20’s I was intrigued by it. When my dad passed in my 30’s I knew it was time for me to finally live my authentic life and not hide from it anymore. When my dad passed, my eyes were opened to so many different perspectives that as a young child I couldn’t see…..and I wasn’t taught. My childhood was different, but it didn’t need to be negative. I learned so many lessons that made me the beautiful caring woman I am today.
Since my dad’s passing, I have connected with him so much more than I ever did on this plane. He sends me messages all the time. He shows up in readings and is always looking over me. Yesterday he wanted to get through to me and he found a beautiful soul to send me a message that had me ugly crying. This person has been an angel in my life through this last year and it was exactly what I needed yesterday.
If you start paying attention, you will see the messages and signs. If you start living your authentic life, the trauma that once hurt can be healed. I forgave my dad for not showing up the way society said he was supposed the week he died. I also thanked him for showing up the best he could on this earth. His death closed one chapter but started a new one. His death was the beginning of my new journey.
I wrote the following on the top of a mountain in Park City when I got the news of his passing 4 years ago:
I had no idea when you left this world it would hurt so much. It is like a chapter has closed that was never even written. Although we only talked here and there over the years, I always knew you were out there. The person who gave me my artistic side. The person who gave me the art of poetry. Although your soul was more tortured then mine. I got a piece of that too. That allowed me to learn to fight and grow into who I am today. I hope your mind is finally at peace. Goodbye Richard.
Today, my letter would end with Goodbye Dad. I would say thank you, Dad. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for being an angel who is always around me.
- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)