I am so tired this morning. When I look at my schedule for the next 5 weeks, I almost want to crumble under the pressure. Can I do it all? Can I show up for myself and everyone around me? Am I letting my kids down?

 

These emotions are old patterns I am stepping into. Old patterns of believing I am not enough and I have to do more to prove that I am. Old patterns that I don’t deserve to have an easy life. This situation is different. Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I am tired of working as much as I do. But this time I am not doing all these things because I don’t feel worthy enough. This time I am not belittling myself by not using my voice and expressing how I really feel. This time I am doing these things to survive. I am showing up for my family to give all of us what we need. I am proud of myself for this.

 

This doesn’t mean there won’t be tears. This doesn’t mean I won’t be exhausted. This just means it is time to put on my Super Woman bubble and take every day one day at a time. If I look at my calendar for the next 5 weeks this is what I see:

 

10 DJ gigs - 2 in Cali

2 Farmers Markets for Crystalline Tribe

1 Special Event with Crystalline Tribe

2 Chemo appointments

15 days of Soccer Schedules

School.

Kids.

Full-time job with Reflective Media. Design Projects. Photography Projects…. The list continues.

 

If I look at my calendar today. I see a small amount of work that needs to be completed. Getting my house in order and spending time with my kids. Today I can conquer. Tomorrow I will do the same. Every day is a new day.

 

If I switch my perspective, I can see how lucky I am. There are people out there that would love just a portion of the work I have. I mean how lucky am I??? I have three successful businesses including one that is blossoming into what I dream of on a daily basis! I have so much gratitude for this, I just allow myself to get wrapped up in a different perspective sometimes. I am human! 

 

We can’t all be happy all the time. That isn’t reality. When my perspective switches to the negative, it shows me I need to release. Cry, talk, reach out to my support system. As I drove home last night, I broke down crying, my best friend on the other line to listen. This is currently my version of self-love. Allowing my self to release. Realizing I need to release. 

 

This morning the kids woke up early. I came downstairs and my son said: “Mommy go back to bed”. My heart melted. He knows I worked late last night and he knows I need more sleep. My family supports me and loves me. I am strong. I can do this. We will make it to the other side of this.

 

Give love. Two Deep Breaths. Stay Calm.

Super Woman bubble on. - Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️

The last two weeks have been really emotional. Our situation is not ideal. I am very stressed about supporting a family of six and finding us a house to live in that is big enough for all us and I can afford on my own. My world is heavy.

 

My 40^th birthday is in two days. I am trying to do so much work right now to keep so many balls in the air at some point every day I have tears because I am “doing the best I can” and I am not sure I am doing enough. I am doing my best to stay mentally strong.

 

May is mental health awareness month. In this moment that brings so many things to the surface for me.  With all the chaos going on I truly feel blessed. On chemo days Billy and I have gratitude for the medicine that will cure him. We choose to try to look at what is positive and what “is” in this moment.

 

Last night this idea came to the surface for me and what turning 40 means. I had the most amazing energy session with Lesha Krantz Nelson. I have been so blessed to have a community of people around me that are trying to help me every day. When we finished, I felt as I always do. I just don’t know how to show gratitude and thanks in a way that my heart truly feels to the people who are holding me up right now. I feel like I walk around in a haze and I wonder if I even say thank you at times. After our session, I experienced the most amazing gift.

 This is what I wrote:

I stand alone in my darkness.
I stand alone in my fear.

I will promise to hold you, so your light won’t dim.
I will dry your tears.

I will try to find the time to pause and release the pollution from my mind.
I will be there when my children need to cry.
 
As my mind settles and my energy clears.
I realize I was never alone.
Every single one of you was always here.

 

For my 40^th birthday, I am going to try to say thanks and show gratitude every day in the month of May. May, mental health month, I will shift my perspective from the stress and the chaos to gratitude to someone or something that is helping me juggle all these balls in the air. They are helping me keep my vibration in a place I need to keep everyone around me in a healthy state of mind. I may not post. I may not say every name I should, but I know I am strong because of the army I have around me. My perspective is positive because of the love and light everyone shares with me every day. I am blessed and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

 

May 1^st, 2019 Gratitude + Thank-You:  FAMILY

Thank you to Billy for trying to put me first even when you feel so ill. Thank you to his three sons for coming into my life and showing me another layer of love and support. Thank you to my children for being beautiful, positive souls in this world. Thank you to my Aunt and my cousins for dropping everything to help my kids when I need them to. Thank you to the Murphy’s for offering us so much support and helping us in ways I can’t even express with the correct words.  Thank you to all of my family.

May 2^nd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: William Murphy

Can I tell you something just between you and me?
When I hear your voice, I know I'm finally free
Every single word is perfect as it can be
And I need you here with me
When you lift me up, I know that I'll never fall
I can speak to you by saying nothing at all
Every single time, I find it harder to breathe
'Cause I need you here with me

- Lyrics by Marshmellow + Chvrches 

Mykla and I are obsessed with this song. As we were screaming it on the top of our lungs last night I started to cry. The words couldn’t ring truer. Gratitude and thank- you every day to him. He has taught me so many lessons. He is fighting so hard through the darkness. His heart is open, and he is doing everything he needs to in order to get stronger and heal.

I am completely in love will all of this man and I feel blessed every day that he came into my life.

 

 

May 3rd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: FOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MYSELF

 How many of say we love ourselves? I didn’t for a very long time. It left me in a pattern of self-destruction and toxic relationships that were always emptying my cup and never filling it back up. I loved myself enough to finally make changes and stand up for my worth. I loved myself enough to get sober. I loved myself enough to put my mental health first.

One of the messages I received today was “move away from the pain and leave it behind.” I am trying so damn hard. I keep asking lately “what is the lesson in this?” Yesterday was messy. This week was messy. I broke down and lost it. My skin was crawling. I was yelling. I was so angry. I try so hard to carry the world on my shoulders and there are these outside forces that just keep this tornado swirling around us constantly and sometimes I lose my footing and I get swooped in.

But then there it is…. the lesson right in front of me. I am not alone in this. I have the most amazing support system. It is okay that I get overwhelmed and upset, I am only human. I am so thankful for the people who pick me up when I break. I am so thankful that our family has help from others.

When I break, it does not equal self-destruction anymore. It doesn’t equal me trying to ignore the problems in front of me. I don’t go on a bender to try to forget everything, only to go down a dark tunnel of disaster with no end. All it means to me now is I need to stop. I need to reassess everything I need.  I HAVE everything I need. That means I just need to take a little time to fill my cup back up.

As my best friend put it last month. I level up today. I start a new chapter. This is 40. At the beginning of the year, I had set a personal goal of being in the best shape of my life on my 40^th birthday. Well, chaos hit. I have barely gone to the gym in 3 months. I looked damn good at 39! (ha ha this pic was taken last fall).

So, I didn’t reach my physical goal (yet!). But ­I can tell you this, I am in the best mental shape of my entire life. I still break but I am mentally stronger than I have ever been. For that I have gratitude. My whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I will get up tomorrow and fight harder than today. He will be okay. When he wins this battle, my cup will be overflowing.

May 4th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: Friends + Supportive Parent Network

The saying it takes an army is an understatement. Lately, my life has been so overwhelming trying to juggle medical appointments, being the head of the household, two small children and work for myself, without my friends and the other parents helping me, I couldn’t make it all work. I appreciate every one of you who takes the time to support me and my children. I need you and I could not do it without you.
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May 5th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank you: For this moment

Those close to me know what transpired this week. If I wrote it all out most of you wouldn’t believe me. I somehow was cast as a lead character in a soap opera I do not want to be a part of. It has been chaos from all angles. As my aunt put it earlier “I am clearing a lot of shit right now”. …. Little did she know I am currently reading a book called “Clear your Shit”.

I am showing up universe. I am listening. I am thankful for this moment as I sit outside this coffee shop reflecting. I am a survivor. I always have and I always will.

 

May 6th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For today we are here.

I give thanks in that.

 

May 7^th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For my patience.

 

As I get older, I am able to stop, slow down and process the situations I am in. This tool alone can save so much self-destruction and grief. I allow people to steal my power. No matter how manipulative or emotionally abusive, I can slow down, process and not react.

 

May 8^th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For my Aunt

 

I have written before about our journey of growth and forgiveness. We have been through a lot together. Some of the hardest years of my life, I was not talking to her. We grew. We forgave. We support each other and our dreams. Little did we know but we were supporting each other even when we were not talking. They were lessons we both needed to learn. We are now business partners in a company that I know is going to do great things, Crystalline Tribe.

 

I love watching her help people realize their true gifts and giving them a different perspective. Her classes are more than self-love, forgiveness and learning about your intuition. They are all filled with tools to empower yourself so you can live your authentic life. I love being one of her students. She has come into her authentic self and she is teaching a community to as well.

( I missed a few days! I jotted words down in my journal but I decided to be authentic and not post just the words. Life gets busy! Time to start again. Nothing is perfect.)

 

May 13th, 2019

Chemo Day #4 - Gratitude and Thank you to everyone who has helped us financially over the last few months. This is an overbearing and unexpected situation. Without our family, support system and the wonderful businesses donating their time and helping us, we would not have made it. Thank you @bigdeluxetattoo @regalbarberco and now this Saturday @xoxo_hats_for_strength 
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Our family is blessed and I don’t have enough thank you’s in the world. 
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You can still register for the event this Saturday. Go to @xoxo_hats_for_strength to learn more. ❤️

May 14^th, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: My fitness community.

@saltlakepoweryoga, @mamaloves23, @rise_boxing, and @otfparkcity …. You have all supported me in a time that self-care unfortunately for me is the last thing on my list. Thank you for reaching out and giving me the push and support I need to keep myself strong. When I work out, I feel better mentally. When I work out, I can keep the anxiety at bay a little bit more. I can breathe a little bit easier. When I work out, I am a little bit stronger to take on the world around me.

 

July 10th, 2019

 

- Amanda ( @missdjlux ❤️)

 

A few weeks ago, an old friend I hadn’t seen in years told me excitedly that he reads all of my blog posts and loves them. He followed that by asking why I never talk about my kids. I guess I didn’t realize this until he pointed it out. This brought me to question myself as to why I haven’t written much about them.

 

I am a mom to a 9-year-old little boy and a 7-year-old little girl. When I grew up, I never really wanted to have kids. I was fearful I wouldn’t be able to be the type of Mother I should be. They are hands down THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I cannot imagine my world without them, and they truly saved my life.

 

That being said this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Add in a crazy divorce, that still impacts them daily and you can begin to go down the “I am the worst human on the planet” rabbit hole really easy. This is why I don’t I talk about them much. There are still some many things pertaining to them that I don’t agree with. Rules and choices that were made during this divorce process that I still don’t understand and never will. Some things so upsetting that I spent thousands of dollars to go back to court just this last summer.

 

I could just write about the good days. I could write about the chaotic days of trying to juggle work, school runs and activities that leave you feeling like a dog chasing his own tail for 12 hours in a circle and getting nowhere. (I bet all the parents reading this are laughing right now because you totally understand what I mean!)

 

When I right my blogs, the words just flow from me with not much thought. When I think about what I honestly want to write about when it pertains to my kids, it isn’t time yet. I haven’t healed yet and I am still dealing with decisions I don’t understand regularly. The honesty of my blogs is what people relate too and I need to respect my children and their space as we grow and learn from these life lessons.

 

I can say I love my conversations with my littles. They teach me so much every day. I love they still want to cuddle with me every night and I pray that lasts forever. The chaos that comes with kids is never-ending. It’s like someone is throwing fastballs at you continually throughout the day and you just have to stop everything you are doing and catch them. (That analogy will defiantly resonate with the single working moms out there.) I am sure I will think of more posts that I do want to write when it comes to them, but this is a brief explanation of why I haven’t yet.

 

Who knows, maybe this brief blog was a part of the healing I needed to open the door to move forward. Maybe you will get to hear more about my adventures of a basically single mom (my boyfriend works 50+ hours a week, and of his 8 days of the month we only have the kids on 2 of the 8) ….. Let me start that sentence again. More stories to come of the basically single mom who owns and runs two companies and the third company is a DJ career that still has her traveling out of state at least once a month to play shows.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)