I am so tired this morning. When I look at my schedule for the next 5 weeks, I almost want to crumble under the pressure. Can I do it all? Can I show up for myself and everyone around me? Am I letting my kids down?

These emotions are old patterns I am stepping into. Old patterns of believing I am not enough and I have to do more to prove that I am. Old patterns that I don’t deserve to have an easy life. This situation is different. Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I am tired of working as much as I do. But this time I am not doing all these things because I don’t feel worthy enough. This time I am not belittling myself by not using my voice and expressing how I really feel. This time I am doing these things to survive. I am showing up for my family to give all of us what we need. I am proud of myself for this.

This doesn’t mean there won’t be tears. This doesn’t mean I won’t be exhausted. This just means it is time to put on my Super Woman bubble and take every day one day at a time. If I look at my calendar for the next 5 weeks this is what I see:

10 DJ gigs - 2 in Cali

2 Farmers Markets for Crystalline Tribe

1 Special Event with Crystalline Tribe

2 Chemo appointments

15 days of Soccer Schedules

School.

Kids.

Full-time job with Reflective Media. Design Projects. Photography Projects…. The list continues.

If I look at my calendar today. I see a small amount of work that needs to be completed. Getting my house in order and spending time with my kids. Today I can conquer. Tomorrow I will do the same. Every day is a new day.

If I switch my perspective, I can see how lucky I am. There are people out there that would love just a portion of the work I have. I mean how lucky am I??? I have three successful businesses including one that is blossoming into what I dream of on a daily basis! I have so much gratitude for this, I just allow myself to get wrapped up in a different perspective sometimes. I am human! 

We can’t all be happy all the time. That isn’t reality. When my perspective switches to the negative, it shows me I need to release. Cry, talk, reach out to my support system. As I drove home last night, I broke down crying, my best friend on the other line to listen. This is currently my version of self-love. Allowing my self to release. Realizing I need to release. 

This morning the kids woke up early. I came downstairs and my son said: “Mommy go back to bed”. My heart melted. He knows I worked late last night and he knows I need more sleep. My family supports me and loves me. I am strong. I can do this. We will make it to the other side of this.

Give love. Two Deep Breaths. Stay Calm.

Super Woman bubble on. - Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️

Today my baby girl turns 8. As your child grows, it brings up so many emotions. I was reflecting last night about when I was pregnant with her. It was a really hard pregnancy. I was in a lot of pain and I was working way too much. I didn’t show myself love so how could I expect the people around me to. I used to say all the time “I don’t want a little girl anything like me.” What hurtful words to say to myself and to my unborn daughter!!

I didn’t realize it at the time, but those words were the acknowledgement that the life I was living was not authentic. I did not want her to grow up and be the “party girl”. I used to joke that I had daddy issues and she wouldn’t have those so she would be fine. It was so much more than that. When I chose to say “I don’t want you to be like me” I wasn’t acknowledging the qualities in me that I LOVE and I did want her to have.

It breaks down to this.  What you focus on becomes your reality. When I started to change my focus to what was important to me in life, my reality shifted. I have come a long way in learning to love myself and know that I deserve that love in return. I am damn proud today that that little girl is exactly like me.

Her energy lights up a room. Her drive and ambition are going to take her where ever her heart dreams she wants to go. If someone tells her she can’t do something, she says “oh yeah, watch this”. She is gentle, compassionate and love pours from every cell in her body. I am so proud she is exactly like me.

You are my strong, beautiful little girl who will eventually turn into a strong, beautiful woman. You are ambitious, caring and gentle. I promise to continue to learn and grow and be the best version of myself for you and your brother. I will let you learn your lessons but please do not grow up too fast.

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Always keep believing in magic. Fairies are real and your dreams can become your reality. Always talk nice about yourself. Never take anything too serious. Always know how much your family loves you.

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You are a shining light in a dark world. Your light will help others and I will always be here to hold your hand through the journey. I love you Mykla Bella. Happy Birthday and thank you for choosing me to be your mother.

The last two weeks have been really emotional. Our situation is not ideal. I am very stressed about supporting a family of six and finding us a house to live in that is big enough for all us and I can afford on my own. My world is heavy.

My 40^th birthday is in two days. I am trying to do so much work right now to keep so many balls in the air at some point every day I have tears because I am “doing the best I can” and I am not sure I am doing enough. I am doing my best to stay mentally strong.

May is mental health awareness month. In this moment that brings so many things to the surface for me.  With all the chaos going on I truly feel blessed. On chemo days Billy and I have gratitude for the medicine that will cure him. We choose to try to look at what is positive and what “is” in this moment.

Last night this idea came to the surface for me and what turning 40 means. I had the most amazing energy session with Lesha Krantz Nelson. I have been so blessed to have a community of people around me that are trying to help me every day. When we finished, I felt as I always do. I just don’t know how to show gratitude and thanks in a way that my heart truly feels to the people who are holding me up right now. I feel like I walk around in a haze and I wonder if I even say thank you at times. After our session, I experienced the most amazing gift.

 This is what I wrote:

I stand alone in my darkness.
I stand alone in my fear.

I will promise to hold you, so your light won’t dim.
I will dry your tears.

I will try to find the time to pause and release the pollution from my mind.
I will be there when my children need to cry.
 
As my mind settles and my energy clears.
I realize I was never alone.
Every single one of you was always here.

For my 40^th birthday, I am going to try to say thanks and show gratitude every day in the month of May. May, mental health month, I will shift my perspective from the stress and the chaos to gratitude to someone or something that is helping me juggle all these balls in the air. They are helping me keep my vibration in a place I need to keep everyone around me in a healthy state of mind. I may not post. I may not say every name I should, but I know I am strong because of the army I have around me. My perspective is positive because of the love and light everyone shares with me every day. I am blessed and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

May 1^st, 2019 Gratitude + Thank-You:  FAMILY

Thank you to Billy for trying to put me first even when you feel so ill. Thank you to his three sons for coming into my life and showing me another layer of love and support. Thank you to my children for being beautiful, positive souls in this world. Thank you to my Aunt and my cousins for dropping everything to help my kids when I need them to. Thank you to the Murphy’s for offering us so much support and helping us in ways I can’t even express with the correct words.  Thank you to all of my family.

May 2^nd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: William Murphy

Can I tell you something just between you and me?
When I hear your voice, I know I'm finally free
Every single word is perfect as it can be
And I need you here with me
When you lift me up, I know that I'll never fall
I can speak to you by saying nothing at all
Every single time, I find it harder to breathe
'Cause I need you here with me

- Lyrics by Marshmellow + Chvrches 

Mykla and I are obsessed with this song. As we were screaming it on the top of our lungs last night I started to cry. The words couldn’t ring truer. Gratitude and thank- you every day to him. He has taught me so many lessons. He is fighting so hard through the darkness. His heart is open, and he is doing everything he needs to in order to get stronger and heal.

I am completely in love will all of this man and I feel blessed every day that he came into my life.

May 3rd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: FOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MYSELF

 How many of say we love ourselves? I didn’t for a very long time. It left me in a pattern of self-destruction and toxic relationships that were always emptying my cup and never filling it back up. I loved myself enough to finally make changes and stand up for my worth. I loved myself enough to get sober. I loved myself enough to put my mental health first.

One of the messages I received today was “move away from the pain and leave it behind.” I am trying so damn hard. I keep asking lately “what is the lesson in this?” Yesterday was messy. This week was messy. I broke down and lost it. My skin was crawling. I was yelling. I was so angry. I try so hard to carry the world on my shoulders and there are these outside forces that just keep this tornado swirling around us constantly and sometimes I lose my footing and I get swooped in.

But then there it is…. the lesson right in front of me. I am not alone in this. I have the most amazing support system. It is okay that I get overwhelmed and upset, I am only human. I am so thankful for the people who pick me up when I break. I am so thankful that our family has help from others.

When I break, it does not equal self-destruction anymore. It doesn’t equal me trying to ignore the problems in front of me. I don’t go on a bender to try to forget everything, only to go down a dark tunnel of disaster with no end. All it means to me now is I need to stop. I need to reassess everything I need.  I HAVE everything I need. That means I just need to take a little time to fill my cup back up.

As my best friend put it last month. I level up today. I start a new chapter. This is 40. At the beginning of the year, I had set a personal goal of being in the best shape of my life on my 40^th birthday. Well, chaos hit. I have barely gone to the gym in 3 months. I looked damn good at 39! (ha ha this pic was taken last fall).

So, I didn’t reach my physical goal (yet!). But ­I can tell you this, I am in the best mental shape of my entire life. I still break but I am mentally stronger than I have ever been. For that I have gratitude. My whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I will get up tomorrow and fight harder than today. He will be okay. When he wins this battle, my cup will be overflowing.

May 4th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: Friends + Supportive Parent Network

The saying it takes an army is an understatement. Lately, my life has been so overwhelming trying to juggle medical appointments, being the head of the household, two small children and work for myself, without my friends and the other parents helping me, I couldn’t make it all work. I appreciate every one of you who takes the time to support me and my children. I need you and I could not do it without you.
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May 5th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank you: For this moment

Those close to me know what transpired this week. If I wrote it all out most of you wouldn’t believe me. I somehow was cast as a lead character in a soap opera I do not want to be a part of. It has been chaos from all angles. As my aunt put it earlier “I am clearing a lot of shit right now”. …. Little did she know I am currently reading a book called “Clear your Shit”.

I am showing up universe. I am listening. I am thankful for this moment as I sit outside this coffee shop reflecting. I am a survivor. I always have and I always will.

May 6th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For today we are here.

I give thanks in that.

As I get older, I am able to stop, slow down and process the situations I am in. This tool alone can save so much self-destruction and grief. I allow people to steal my power. No matter how manipulative or emotionally abusive, I can slow down, process and not react.

I have written before about our journey of growth and forgiveness. We have been through a lot together. Some of the hardest years of my life, I was not talking to her. We grew. We forgave. We support each other and our dreams. Little did we know but we were supporting each other even when we were not talking. They were lessons we both needed to learn. We are now business partners in a company that I know is going to do great things, Crystalline Tribe.

I love watching her help people realize their true gifts and giving them a different perspective. Her classes are more than self-love, forgiveness and learning about your intuition. They are all filled with tools to empower yourself so you can live your authentic life. I love being one of her students. She has come into her authentic self and she is teaching a community to as well.

( I missed a few days! I jotted words down in my journal but I decided to be authentic and not post just the words. Life gets busy! Time to start again. Nothing is perfect.)

May 13th, 2019

Chemo Day #4 - Gratitude and Thank you to everyone who has helped us financially over the last few months. This is an overbearing and unexpected situation. Without our family, support system and the wonderful businesses donating their time and helping us, we would not have made it. Thank you @bigdeluxetattoo @regalbarberco and now this Saturday @xoxo_hats_for_strength 
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Our family is blessed and I don’t have enough thank you’s in the world. 
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You can still register for the event this Saturday. Go to @xoxo_hats_for_strength to learn more. ❤️

May 14^th, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: My fitness community.

@saltlakepoweryoga, @mamaloves23, @rise_boxing, and @otfparkcity …. You have all supported me in a time that self-care unfortunately for me is the last thing on my list. Thank you for reaching out and giving me the push and support I need to keep myself strong. When I work out, I feel better mentally. When I work out, I can keep the anxiety at bay a little bit more. I can breathe a little bit easier. When I work out, I am a little bit stronger to take on the world around me.

July 10th, 2019

- Amanda ( @missdjlux ❤️)

I saw this alarming statistic on my social media feed this morning: 5.3 million women in the US with Alcohol Use Disorder. When I researched it, I realized that statistic is from 2015! Imagine what the number is today? Yet, here we are in 2019 and alcohol is still glorified everywhere around us, and we are taught that it is okay to be a part of our everyday life.

Alcohol is a depressant. It is not for everyone. If you are one of those people, you should not be ashamed to choose sobriety. As I stand here today, going through the most trying time of my life, I feel so blessed to have realized 500 days ago that to be the mom that I wanted to be I did not want alcohol in my life anymore.

Five hundred days sober today. I am proud to say those words. I am mentally strong. I almost lost the love of my life a few months back and now he has begun the journey of healing through chemotherapy this week. I feel all the emotions. The gratitude, the fear, the stress of how I will make it all work and the depression at night when I feel alone. Feeling all the emotions allows me to work through them. I can validate them; I can be gentle with myself and I can find solutions to the problems that can be fixed.

If I was drinking, I would be just trying to escape all the emotions. Then it would turn into this downward spiral of trying to escape but in reality, not being able to. Then it would lead to my own illness and falling apart in a time that I can’t. No more escaping. I choose to feel.

Billy and I talk every day (even before he was sick) about gratitude. Through his path of healing, we choose to focus on that. Gratitude for my support system. Gratitude for my family and friends. Gratitude for Billy fighting as hard as he can and doing everything in his power to heal. Today I have gratitude for my sobriety.

When I began my sobriety journey, I wasn’t completely sure why. When I continued, I wasn’t sure it would be forever. Today I know why. It was the beginning of my healing journey. I have gratitude for my life and where this path is leading me.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

As we celebrate this new year, I hope you take a minute to reflect. Think about the lessons you learned in 2018 and where you saw positive growth in your life. Now think about your intentions for 2019. What is important to you? Where do you see yourself this time next year?

Try to take a few minutes to yourself and do this exercise today. Get your sage or Palo Santo and do a quick clearing of yourself and your space. Get some crystals to place around you. Always select the ones that feel right to you that day. Mine list for today consisted of Clear Quartz for clearing and grounding of myself. Selenite to clear the negative energy. Rose quartz to remember to love myself. Rainbow moonstone for new beginnings. Hematite for grounding and gratitude. Black obsidian (just one of my personal favorites) to connect myself to the Earth and to my inner being.

Once you have your crystals, you can set them up around you, hold them in your hand or lay down and place them on your chakras. Take a few deep breaths to ground yourself and connect yourself back to you. Let the thoughts of the day escape you and just focus on your breath. I like to think about inhaling white positive light and exhaling all the smoke and dark out of my body. Once you are grounded think about what you want for this year. What are the most important things you would like to accomplish? See yourself doing those things. See yourself where you want to be.

When you are done with your visualization and meditation, take a few moments to write down your intentions. What are your dreams? I have a notebook that I keep in a drawer where I jot just these intentions down. This is a great exercise to do periodically throughout the year and it helps you check in to see what was important in the past and what is important to you now if the present moment. Next year on New Year's day you can read the intentions you manifested and see if they came to life.

I just read my intentions from January 1, 2018, and my heart is full. Did I accomplish all of them? No. I did accomplish most of them and that means I am on my right path. I am proud that I have come as far as I have on my journey. I bet if you take the time to listen to yourself and write down what is truly important to you, you might feel the same sense of empowerment I am feeling in this moment. You can create your dreams. 

Take some time for you today and I hope everyone has a Happy New Year! 2019 is going to be a transformational and amazing year!

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

Holidays can be trying in so many ways, but I think none more trying than for those that have lost a loved one. Especially if it is the 1st Holiday Season without their loved one.

I had the honor of having another very late-night conversation with a very dear friend of mine the other day. He lost his son a few months ago to suicide, I can only imagine the rollercoaster ride of emotions that go with a parent losing a child. We usually have late night texting conversations, but this time was different. I could tell he was feeling a bit heavier than before, so I decided a conversation would be better.

We spoke about so many things, the heaviness he was feeling with the thought that he didn’t do enough, the enormous hole in his heart for the thought of not being able to hug or converse with his son again. I allowed him to voice all he needed to, trying to support when I could and encourage him to know that there was nothing he could have done. This was a path that his son was on and it was his to navigate.

We also spoke about a few of our friends that have also lost children over the years. We discussed how they died, overdose, car accident, sickness and came to the absolute conclusion that it does not matter. It is sad that even in death suicide carries astigmatism. A loss is a loss, how does not matter, the pain is still there, and it is very real.

We also discussed how difficult it is sometimes to go anywhere. That sometimes it can be uncomfortable, and I really had to look inside for this one. I know myself, in the past, I have avoided some people because I didn’t know what to say to them and I didn’t want to upset them. Since I have reawakened my soul I see things so differently. Now I realize that it’s ok to just be there and hug them, it’s ok to just listen and let them share or cry, it’s ok to sit in silence with them and let them know they are not alone, that this pain they are feeling will become more bearable. It’s ok to not be able to “fix” a situation, sometimes the best thing you can do is just “be”.

If you know someone that has lost a loved one don’t avoid them, don’t be afraid to bring up the person they have lost or to say their name. Don’t worry about whether you are going to make them think about their loved one and disrupt what may be a “good day”….. Don’t worry about any of these things just love them and hold a space of healing and strength for them.

Think of a great memory you have of their loved one and then tell them. Say “Hey, I was just thinking about ***** the other day and that time that he ……..” This solidifies that their loved one’s life had meaning, that their time here on this earth meant something. You’re not going to upset them. I promise you, not a minute of the day goes by that they are not thinking about their loved one. Sometimes, it’s hard to think about them and not go down the rabbit hole of despair and sadness. What a gift you can give to them by sharing a beautiful memory and pulling them out of that vibration for a bit. When you share a memory, you honor the loved one that has crossed.

Remember, every person grieves in their own way. There are no rules to grieving. Allow people to feel all the feelings they need to and please know that every loss holds the same pain and deserves the same respect and love.

In closing, it is more important than ever to remember self-care at this time of the year. This can be something as simple as taking a bath in the middle of the afternoon or sitting in your car in a parking lot and doing meditation to re-center and ground yourself.

Happy Holidays

🙏🏻💕🙏🏻 @motheringhealing

So I decided to do this thing about a month ago and get “CALM” tattooed on my knuckles. I originally was going to do “STAY CALM” on both hands but I don’t know if I am that badass to have all my knuckles tattooed.

I did like the multiple meanings of Stay and the idea of having that on my body. Fuck there have been a few periods of my life where I had to convince myself it was worth it to stay. Life felt so hard at times that escaping with drugs was all I could do to handle the pain. I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t met my ex-husband at the age of 20. I tell people all the time he saved my life. And I know he did. (That story will have to wait for another blog post.)

But calm. Calm resonates so much with me in my adult life. How can I stop the spinning of anxiety and just “STAY CALM.” We have this fight or flight system that is built into our genetics. A fire inside us that if fed can grow out of control. Then as we grow we are taught to fight. As a young girl, growing up in a single mother household, I felt like I had to fight for everything. It is exhausting to always be on guard. I appreciate the struggle because I am a strong, independent woman today but I know the same result can be accomplished in a healthier way.

We fight with our words, our fists, our emotions. Calm tattooed on my punching fist. Can we teach our children to not fight with their fists and words but to just “Stay Calm”? I want to teach my children meditation and slowing down. I want them to be aware when someone around them is hurting so they can be sensitive to how their actions affect them.  I don’t want them to learn to have to fight and scream to be heard. There is incredible self-empowerment in being able to control your emotions and calm yourself down. Teach them that the fire inside them is a beautiful thing. Teach them to use it as positive energy and not let it get out of control.

The fight or flight is inside us. It is primal. We can all use it in a positive way. This is my message. Stay Calm. Spread love. Live life.

- Amanda (@missdjlux)

With the Holiday Season upon us, I just thought I would take a moment to share another perspective with you.  Especially with everything going on in society right now. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently with my children.  I can’t go back in time, but if I continue to share what I have learned along the way then maybe I can influence the next generation in a positive way.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good hug and being an empath, a hug from the right person can give me such a recharge of energy, but before I learned that I had a choice, that I didn’t have to hug everyone, it was also a fast way to deplete my energy. When our children are young, 3-6 years old, they are discovering that they are their own person. With this discovery comes a time of learning to listen to their instincts, learning that they have a voice, learning that they’re emotions and feelings are theirs and not their parents. We as adults have a responsibility to help them navigate all of these feelings, not to push ours onto them.

Think about this for a moment, it’s Thanksgiving and Uncle Johnny shows up who hasn’t been around for years. You say to your daughter or son, “go give Uncle Johnny a big hug, you need to thank him for the present he sent you on your Birthday”.  Do we want our children to learn that if someone gives them a “present” they have to “hug” them or allow them to “touch” them when it feels uncomfortable to them? Now I know some of you are thinking, “but this is my family, I trust them, my children should trust me”.  Uncle Johnny is a stranger to your child, they need the opportunity to get to know them, to feel comfortable around them before they get that close to them. We need to teach our children to learn what their feelings are and what they’re boundaries are. They need to learn that when something doesn’t feel right, it’s ok to say no. Now I’m not saying to give your children permission to be rude, give them options, a handshake or high-five, and teach them to do what feels comfortable for them.

Personally, I know that as a child, I was always expected to give everyone a hug when they came to visit or left. What a confusing thing to do to our children.  I always BEG people when I am around their children to not force them to hug me. They need to learn that they have a voice both inside and out and we need to respect that. How can they learn what their boundaries are if we as adults constantly force them to do something that feels unnatural or uncomfortable? It doesn't mean they don't like us or have anything against us, it just means that we're not welcome into their most intimate circle and that's ok!  What a beautiful thing it is when they do feel comfortable enough to let us in.

PLEASE, if you have ever agreed with anything I've posted, PLEASE take this one to heart because I believe it with every fiber of my being. Allow your children to OWN their boundaries! Allow every hug they give and receive to reenergize them because all they feel is LOVE.

Happy Holidays! May we all be blessed with a Safe and Loving Holiday Season filled with Gratitude...

- Celeste (@motherhealing 💖🙏🏻💗)