How to Grow and Thrive Through Temporary Setbacks: Lessons from Freeze State

I was in a freeze state for about 6 weeks, from the last week of May until the beginning of July.

Freeze state is a trauma response that creates a dynamic where you shut down. Fight or flight kicks in adrenalin while freeze state creates dissociation, numbness, lack of focus, and an inability to take action. The last 5 years I got really good at operating in a fight or flight response. I had to; I had no choice. I had to take care of my husband who was battling cancer, work to support our family and try to keep our home life “as normal as possible” and healthy. (I don’t think it is ever normal for a child to watch a loved one fight for their life and be sick.)

It has been harder than expected as I am slowly coming out of this freeze state. I am tired. I am exhausted and I have a lot of reasons to be.

The back story:

I was working a salary job for a company that I have worked for multiple times over the last 9 years. It was a great opportunity to not have to stress about income, but it meant I had to put my own business on the back burner the last 9 months. I knew it would not be forever, but I had asked that they give me ample notice to switch my schedule, since they knew our family lives paycheck to paycheck.  You see our family got in severe debt due to my husband’s cancer journey and covid shutdown. I am very honest with people about our financial situation, not so that they feel bad, but so they have a deeper understanding and hopefully they can respect me enough to not cause me more harm.

I knew my contract would change. Instead of giving ample time, I was given 4 days’ notice that my contract would not continue the next month. When I vocalized being upset, I was told to keep my personal life and business separate. Unfortunately, when you mess with someone’s finances, you are messing with them personally. Also, when someone is willing to be vulnerable and explain their “why,” that is a superpower. You are working with humans, not robots.

I went into a panic. We were about to leave for our wedding, with all five kids. We cannot afford to not have income for a month and how was I going to work while I was getting married? I spent the next 5 weeks just trying to get paid for the last month of work that was completed. Financial trauma is not for the faint of heart. It is also something that is taboo to talk about it. But why? Not getting paid was one trauma but there were so many other pieces in play here as well.

As a professional employee, I would have given two weeks’ notice. I did not get that, so now I am being treated like someone who is getting fired. Everyone was pointing fingers and placing blame, even some of it on me, as to why they were unable to send me a check. Not kidding, I think I was told it was in the mail ten times. So, a team that I thought of as family became a threat and enemy overnight. That hurts.

I finally got paid and my body immediately felt like I put down a 2,000 lb. weight. Paying rent late and not knowing how you are going to get birthday presents for your daughter’s 13th birthday is debilitating. Just writing this right now, I have tears in my eyes.

Now, I am processing the last few months and I see the freeze. Seeing the disassociation. Seeing myself just being so tired of it all.  Seeing myself not be able to get my feet underneath me to jump into the next thing.

I am tired.

My nervous system is taxed.

People don’t realize everything I go through in short periods of time (honestly, I wouldn’t believe some of it if I wasn’t living it) and that is okay.

I am proud of this girl, and it is okay she is tired.

It is okay I disassociated for a minute.

It is okay I had a breaking point.

My panic was valid.

I didn’t feel safe.

In the last few weeks I started to focus on my business again. Focus on the things that light me up and bring me joy. My abundance will come through living my truth not working a job for people that wouldn’t do for me, what I would do for them. Asking me for a project at 8 pm, when you know I am going out of town the next morning, and then saying that is one of the reasons that they don’t feel bad about not using my services anymore. Mind you every other last-minute project the two months prior was completed in that quick timeline. The only project I said I couldn’t make happen was then used against me.  Those are not the people I want around me.

My friends and family showed up for me during our wedding and financially supported us so that we had an amazing day and vacation with our family. Look for safe people. The ones that show up in your time of need. It isn’t always who you expect but they are the ones that truly want to help and see everything you do.

The old paradigm says to keep personal and business separate and don’t show your emotions. The new paradigm understands that I am a PERSON. I am a woman that has experienced a lot of traumas so if you cause me harm, I am going to be emotional. To knowingly cause someone harm and expect them not to react is an irrational expectation. Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

We all have ebbs and flows in life, it is called being human. Awareness of the spaces we still need to heal and what our body needs is how we overcome anything. Trauma responses are not fun, but if we are willing to feel, learn, and love ourselves through them, we will heal.

I am letting myself rest a little extra this month. I am focusing on the projects that light me up inside. I am going to keep working on healing this financial trauma one step at a time until I reach debt freedom again. In the meantime, I share these stories in hopes that if you feel lost, defeated, or hurt, you know that are not alone. We all need community and support from time and time. We all need to be gentle with ourselves and take the imperfect actions step (even if they are small) to move in the right direction.

- Amanda (Lux Healing Arts)