For those of you that have followed my blog for a while, I have had to start new chapter of words and hide the previous stories for personal reasons. Don’t worry, the book is being written and the healing journey of empowerment and resilience will be shared again in the future.

Till then I am faced with starting a new chapter……again. I could feel defeated, or feel empowered, the choice is in my hands. That is what the lesson of life is. Starting over, so you can learn and grow. Thich Nhat Hanh said “Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” I have had discussions this week with a few people that have mentioned they feel “stuck”. I sometimes feel like I am stuck. But that is when I must surrender and realize I am growing. People try to hold you down or limit your voice when they feel threatened by you, but next time that happens, I want you to ask yourself; “Are they really holding me down or am I becoming empowered to learn and grow?”

This Leo Portal Energy and the Full Moon energy this week has been a giant push and pull for me. I was confused by all the Instagram posts of manifestation because It didn’t feel all “big dreams and let’s manifest” like it has in the past to me. It has reminded me of my life the last year. Some of the most amazing moments that have had me feeling so grateful mixed in with hate and darkness that has tried to drag me down.

When I looked up the planet energy this month, I understood why I was feeling this tension. This month alone: Mars clashed Uranus, Mars clashed Saturn, the Sun clashed Uranus, the Sun clashed Saturn, and at the end of the month Venus clashes Saturn. This energy creates and intense, uncomfortable energy, depending on where these planets are in your chart.

As we step into the Aquarius full moon we are in a clash between the sun and Saturn Retrograde. We feel a pull to step into our individuality and evolve but it is creating a pressure that is asking us what we have learned so we can grow. When I look at where the Aquarius energy is today and where it shows up in my chart, I find Gate 13.1 (Human Design, if you don’t know about this yet, reach out for a 1-1 reading and you will never be the same).

Gate 13 is the line of the narrative. Where are my old stories holding me back? The power of this gate is to forgive my past so I can learn from the lessons and show up as the best version of myself. I am here to create a personal narrative that is empowering. Karen Curry Parker says to master this gate you have “the ability to use the power of personal narrative to create with power and intention”. The gate being in line 1 means I need the fact and details. I had to investigate the energy so I could feel empowered to share my story around it.

So here I am on this Aquarius Full Moon changing the narrative with power and intention. It doesn’t feel like rainbows and butterfly’s but instead feels like I am a lotus growing in the mud. In our world of believing in magic, manifesting our dreams, and truly raising the vibration of humanity we must remember that we need balance. Only through the understanding of suffering can we set ourselves free.

• Amanda (@luxhealingarts)