The last two weeks have been really emotional. Our situation is not ideal. I am very stressed about supporting a family of six and finding us a house to live in that is big enough for all us and I can afford on my own. My world is heavy.

My 40^th birthday is in two days. I am trying to do so much work right now to keep so many balls in the air at some point every day I have tears because I am “doing the best I can” and I am not sure I am doing enough. I am doing my best to stay mentally strong.

May is mental health awareness month. In this moment that brings so many things to the surface for me.  With all the chaos going on I truly feel blessed. On chemo days Billy and I have gratitude for the medicine that will cure him. We choose to try to look at what is positive and what “is” in this moment.

Last night this idea came to the surface for me and what turning 40 means. I had the most amazing energy session with Lesha Krantz Nelson. I have been so blessed to have a community of people around me that are trying to help me every day. When we finished, I felt as I always do. I just don’t know how to show gratitude and thanks in a way that my heart truly feels to the people who are holding me up right now. I feel like I walk around in a haze and I wonder if I even say thank you at times. After our session, I experienced the most amazing gift.

 This is what I wrote:

I stand alone in my darkness.
I stand alone in my fear.

I will promise to hold you, so your light won’t dim.
I will dry your tears.

I will try to find the time to pause and release the pollution from my mind.
I will be there when my children need to cry.
 
As my mind settles and my energy clears.
I realize I was never alone.
Every single one of you was always here.

For my 40^th birthday, I am going to try to say thanks and show gratitude every day in the month of May. May, mental health month, I will shift my perspective from the stress and the chaos to gratitude to someone or something that is helping me juggle all these balls in the air. They are helping me keep my vibration in a place I need to keep everyone around me in a healthy state of mind. I may not post. I may not say every name I should, but I know I am strong because of the army I have around me. My perspective is positive because of the love and light everyone shares with me every day. I am blessed and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

May 1^st, 2019 Gratitude + Thank-You:  FAMILY

Thank you to Billy for trying to put me first even when you feel so ill. Thank you to his three sons for coming into my life and showing me another layer of love and support. Thank you to my children for being beautiful, positive souls in this world. Thank you to my Aunt and my cousins for dropping everything to help my kids when I need them to. Thank you to the Murphy’s for offering us so much support and helping us in ways I can’t even express with the correct words.  Thank you to all of my family.

May 2^nd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: William Murphy

Can I tell you something just between you and me?
When I hear your voice, I know I'm finally free
Every single word is perfect as it can be
And I need you here with me
When you lift me up, I know that I'll never fall
I can speak to you by saying nothing at all
Every single time, I find it harder to breathe
'Cause I need you here with me

- Lyrics by Marshmellow + Chvrches 

Mykla and I are obsessed with this song. As we were screaming it on the top of our lungs last night I started to cry. The words couldn’t ring truer. Gratitude and thank- you every day to him. He has taught me so many lessons. He is fighting so hard through the darkness. His heart is open, and he is doing everything he needs to in order to get stronger and heal.

I am completely in love will all of this man and I feel blessed every day that he came into my life.

May 3rd, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: FOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MYSELF

 How many of say we love ourselves? I didn’t for a very long time. It left me in a pattern of self-destruction and toxic relationships that were always emptying my cup and never filling it back up. I loved myself enough to finally make changes and stand up for my worth. I loved myself enough to get sober. I loved myself enough to put my mental health first.

One of the messages I received today was “move away from the pain and leave it behind.” I am trying so damn hard. I keep asking lately “what is the lesson in this?” Yesterday was messy. This week was messy. I broke down and lost it. My skin was crawling. I was yelling. I was so angry. I try so hard to carry the world on my shoulders and there are these outside forces that just keep this tornado swirling around us constantly and sometimes I lose my footing and I get swooped in.

But then there it is…. the lesson right in front of me. I am not alone in this. I have the most amazing support system. It is okay that I get overwhelmed and upset, I am only human. I am so thankful for the people who pick me up when I break. I am so thankful that our family has help from others.

When I break, it does not equal self-destruction anymore. It doesn’t equal me trying to ignore the problems in front of me. I don’t go on a bender to try to forget everything, only to go down a dark tunnel of disaster with no end. All it means to me now is I need to stop. I need to reassess everything I need.  I HAVE everything I need. That means I just need to take a little time to fill my cup back up.

As my best friend put it last month. I level up today. I start a new chapter. This is 40. At the beginning of the year, I had set a personal goal of being in the best shape of my life on my 40^th birthday. Well, chaos hit. I have barely gone to the gym in 3 months. I looked damn good at 39! (ha ha this pic was taken last fall).

So, I didn’t reach my physical goal (yet!). But ­I can tell you this, I am in the best mental shape of my entire life. I still break but I am mentally stronger than I have ever been. For that I have gratitude. My whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I will get up tomorrow and fight harder than today. He will be okay. When he wins this battle, my cup will be overflowing.

May 4th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: Friends + Supportive Parent Network

The saying it takes an army is an understatement. Lately, my life has been so overwhelming trying to juggle medical appointments, being the head of the household, two small children and work for myself, without my friends and the other parents helping me, I couldn’t make it all work. I appreciate every one of you who takes the time to support me and my children. I need you and I could not do it without you.
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May 5th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank you: For this moment

Those close to me know what transpired this week. If I wrote it all out most of you wouldn’t believe me. I somehow was cast as a lead character in a soap opera I do not want to be a part of. It has been chaos from all angles. As my aunt put it earlier “I am clearing a lot of shit right now”. …. Little did she know I am currently reading a book called “Clear your Shit”.

I am showing up universe. I am listening. I am thankful for this moment as I sit outside this coffee shop reflecting. I am a survivor. I always have and I always will.

May 6th, 2019
Gratitude + Thank-you: For today we are here.

I give thanks in that.

As I get older, I am able to stop, slow down and process the situations I am in. This tool alone can save so much self-destruction and grief. I allow people to steal my power. No matter how manipulative or emotionally abusive, I can slow down, process and not react.

I have written before about our journey of growth and forgiveness. We have been through a lot together. Some of the hardest years of my life, I was not talking to her. We grew. We forgave. We support each other and our dreams. Little did we know but we were supporting each other even when we were not talking. They were lessons we both needed to learn. We are now business partners in a company that I know is going to do great things, Crystalline Tribe.

I love watching her help people realize their true gifts and giving them a different perspective. Her classes are more than self-love, forgiveness and learning about your intuition. They are all filled with tools to empower yourself so you can live your authentic life. I love being one of her students. She has come into her authentic self and she is teaching a community to as well.

( I missed a few days! I jotted words down in my journal but I decided to be authentic and not post just the words. Life gets busy! Time to start again. Nothing is perfect.)

May 13th, 2019

Chemo Day #4 - Gratitude and Thank you to everyone who has helped us financially over the last few months. This is an overbearing and unexpected situation. Without our family, support system and the wonderful businesses donating their time and helping us, we would not have made it. Thank you @bigdeluxetattoo @regalbarberco and now this Saturday @xoxo_hats_for_strength 
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Our family is blessed and I don’t have enough thank you’s in the world. 
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You can still register for the event this Saturday. Go to @xoxo_hats_for_strength to learn more. ❤️

May 14^th, 2019

Gratitude + Thank-you: My fitness community.

@saltlakepoweryoga, @mamaloves23, @rise_boxing, and @otfparkcity …. You have all supported me in a time that self-care unfortunately for me is the last thing on my list. Thank you for reaching out and giving me the push and support I need to keep myself strong. When I work out, I feel better mentally. When I work out, I can keep the anxiety at bay a little bit more. I can breathe a little bit easier. When I work out, I am a little bit stronger to take on the world around me.

July 10th, 2019

- Amanda ( @missdjlux ❤️)

I saw this alarming statistic on my social media feed this morning: 5.3 million women in the US with Alcohol Use Disorder. When I researched it, I realized that statistic is from 2015! Imagine what the number is today? Yet, here we are in 2019 and alcohol is still glorified everywhere around us, and we are taught that it is okay to be a part of our everyday life.

Alcohol is a depressant. It is not for everyone. If you are one of those people, you should not be ashamed to choose sobriety. As I stand here today, going through the most trying time of my life, I feel so blessed to have realized 500 days ago that to be the mom that I wanted to be I did not want alcohol in my life anymore.

Five hundred days sober today. I am proud to say those words. I am mentally strong. I almost lost the love of my life a few months back and now he has begun the journey of healing through chemotherapy this week. I feel all the emotions. The gratitude, the fear, the stress of how I will make it all work and the depression at night when I feel alone. Feeling all the emotions allows me to work through them. I can validate them; I can be gentle with myself and I can find solutions to the problems that can be fixed.

If I was drinking, I would be just trying to escape all the emotions. Then it would turn into this downward spiral of trying to escape but in reality, not being able to. Then it would lead to my own illness and falling apart in a time that I can’t. No more escaping. I choose to feel.

Billy and I talk every day (even before he was sick) about gratitude. Through his path of healing, we choose to focus on that. Gratitude for my support system. Gratitude for my family and friends. Gratitude for Billy fighting as hard as he can and doing everything in his power to heal. Today I have gratitude for my sobriety.

When I began my sobriety journey, I wasn’t completely sure why. When I continued, I wasn’t sure it would be forever. Today I know why. It was the beginning of my healing journey. I have gratitude for my life and where this path is leading me.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

I am engaged!!

It is crazy how quick life can go from falling apart to feeling like you are on your exact path. To others it may seem “quick”, “too soon”, and on and on. Those are all social pressures that you allow to be put on you. Only you know what is real and genuine. Only you know what path your soul is telling you, you should be on.

Let’s talk about change and growth for a minute. It is the HARDEST thing I have EVER done. I have probably started about five different blog posts about how hard it is to change your complete life and feel like you are losing everything you ever knew. One day I will find the words to complete them. It is a hard topic to write about without sounding like you are attacking. I don’t want to come off that way, but not sure how to find the words to do that yet. I do want others who are going through the same thing to realize it is nothing personal against them and they can survive it. I want them to know that they are not alone and when people ask them if they really think “the grass will be greener on the other side”, the can confidentially answer yes I know it can be.

I knew for years I was living someone else’s life. I wasn’t happy. I was not being true to my authentic self. I kept repeating what I needed over and over again and it wasn’t coming to me. That wasn’t anyone’s fault around me; I was not where I needed to be. When I got so depressed I knew I had to change or my kids would not have a healthy mother, my family unit, my extended family that said I was part of there’s, most of my friends that I expected to support me were gone. You know how many times I have heard, “I wish I could talk to you but I can’t betray your ex.” Was I not a good friend to you? Did I not love you? Was I not always there for you when you needed it? I was left in pain and wondering why.

I was so depressed, even more than before. Maybe the grass wasn’t greener? Maybe we are not meant to live lives that feel amazing everyday……WRONG. This is the mentality so many people get trapped in! THIS STATEMENT IS SO WRONG!

We are all meant to live lives that are full of everything we need. I am not saying perfect but we should feel happy and like we are on the right path. I did the work. I started to focus on the things in life that were important to me. I got healthy. Taking drugs and alcohol out of the equation was a life changer. (Yeah, I get it. It sounds like common sense, but it wasn’t for me.)

When Billy and I decided to move in together, I questioned is this too soon? Is this healthy for my kids? I knew in my heart it would be amazing. And it has been. Our home is filled with love. We support each other and try to always be there for all our children’s needs. Our kids know when they come here it is a space of calm, positive energy.

Then we started talking about getting engaged. He had sent me a picture of the current ring on my hand only about 6 months after we were dating. I remember thinking “Oh my god, I love this man.” Then immediately thinking, what the hell? I have lost my mind! I just went through a horrible divorce not that long ago! Why would I ever even entertain the idea??

Months passed. Living together has been amazing. Conversations about marriage and family are always a hot topic with my little’s. Just a few weeks before we got engaged, my daughter painted a picture and called me over to the table. She said, “Mommy, I painted a family portrait.” I expected to be of her, Kai and myself. When I got there, I saw the words: Mommy, Mykla, Kai, Billy, and Daddy. My heart melted. If only everyone could look through the eyes of babes. She immediately asked if we could hang it up and I said of course! It hangs right in our main area by the kitchen and the front door for us all to see every day.

Then came the engagement. We both got rings. It is our promise to each other and our children that we are committed to each other and our families. Nothing has ever felt so right! I know you are thinking, but wait you did this before. I tell people all the time, I wish I could bottle this feeling up so I can share it with my daughter. I have never felt this before. I didn’t’ know what this felt like for that reason. I had never felt this kind of love.

Now that I was engaged, how would we tell the kids? I was so nervous. I knew they loved Billy, but how would the react? My son hated the “M” word. Do I take my ring off when they get home from school? What do I do???

I decided to leave the ring on. My daughter, of course, noticed right away. My son then half laughing asked, “What is that?” I had no idea they really even knew what an engagement ring was. I always wear rings on that finger. I answered that when Billy got home from work we all needed to talk. In my head I am thinking, here we go. I have a number for a therapist on speed dial ready to go. (Joking…kinda 🙃)

When Billy got home, the kids immediately wanted to talk. I won’t give every detail as to keep some of their privacy but I was floored by the response. They were happy! I had no idea that this would be a positive thing for them. I was so worried, that they would be upset.

The whole point is that they feel our love. Our home is happy and healthy and everyone around us feels it. I truly cannot say this enough. If you don’t feel like you are on the right path change it! Work, relationship, friends…whatever it is. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you are true to yourself and what your genuine soul needs, you will come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier.

I do want to say, I do believe I was meant to marry before. I don’t think that was a mistake. I loved him. It was just different. Without marrying him, I wouldn’t have learned so many life lessons I needed to learn to get to where I am today. That was the only way my two beautiful children would have been created. Their souls needed their father and me to be together and for this, I am blessed.

I write not because I feel like I have all the answers or everything figured out. I write because I want to share my story to hopefully give hope to a lost soul that may need it.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

I AM ENGAGED! And at this moment, I couldn’t possibly be any happier!

As we celebrate this new year, I hope you take a minute to reflect. Think about the lessons you learned in 2018 and where you saw positive growth in your life. Now think about your intentions for 2019. What is important to you? Where do you see yourself this time next year?

Try to take a few minutes to yourself and do this exercise today. Get your sage or Palo Santo and do a quick clearing of yourself and your space. Get some crystals to place around you. Always select the ones that feel right to you that day. Mine list for today consisted of Clear Quartz for clearing and grounding of myself. Selenite to clear the negative energy. Rose quartz to remember to love myself. Rainbow moonstone for new beginnings. Hematite for grounding and gratitude. Black obsidian (just one of my personal favorites) to connect myself to the Earth and to my inner being.

Once you have your crystals, you can set them up around you, hold them in your hand or lay down and place them on your chakras. Take a few deep breaths to ground yourself and connect yourself back to you. Let the thoughts of the day escape you and just focus on your breath. I like to think about inhaling white positive light and exhaling all the smoke and dark out of my body. Once you are grounded think about what you want for this year. What are the most important things you would like to accomplish? See yourself doing those things. See yourself where you want to be.

When you are done with your visualization and meditation, take a few moments to write down your intentions. What are your dreams? I have a notebook that I keep in a drawer where I jot just these intentions down. This is a great exercise to do periodically throughout the year and it helps you check in to see what was important in the past and what is important to you now if the present moment. Next year on New Year's day you can read the intentions you manifested and see if they came to life.

I just read my intentions from January 1, 2018, and my heart is full. Did I accomplish all of them? No. I did accomplish most of them and that means I am on my right path. I am proud that I have come as far as I have on my journey. I bet if you take the time to listen to yourself and write down what is truly important to you, you might feel the same sense of empowerment I am feeling in this moment. You can create your dreams. 

Take some time for you today and I hope everyone has a Happy New Year! 2019 is going to be a transformational and amazing year!

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

Wow you guys, Christmas has come and gone! This morning I am reflecting on all the love that surrounds me in this present moment. Christmas is hard on so many. Last week I was stressing about not having time to send out Christmas cards and not getting to do every little thing I had wanted to do on my list. I was in tears at the store because I felt overwhelmed with the commercial aspect of Christmas and did I do well by my kids? I was worried about all the things that weren’t important.

I completely unplugged on Christmas Eve. I didn’t care where my phone was nor did I think about it. For those of you that know me and know how hard I constantly work, this is an amazing accomplishment! It also made me realize that I need to schedule more unplug days in 2019. Not just holidays, scheduled days during the month. Everything can wait. My kids and my family cannot.

Christmas was here. You know what was important? Having all of my boyfriend’s kids and my kids sleeping under one roof for the night. Waking up next to the 3 loves of my life. Having all our kids get to spend Christmas morning together. This was Christmas. This was all I wanted. Last night I was so relaxed, so happy laying in my loves arms thinking about the day. This was the best Christmas I had had in years.

It is hard to not get wrapped up in the things “you are supposed to do”. It is hard to not get carried away in the commercial aspect of Christmas that bombards us all. I hope that you all woke up today feeling LOVE. Love for yourself,  love for your family (blood or chosen), and appreciation for where you are in this moment.

Happy Holidays from our tribe to yours! Take a little time to love yourself and spread love today.

- Amanda (@missdjlux ❤️)

So when I decided to launch this online business, I decided it was a reasonable idea because I could do all of the website, design, and marketing on my own. I mean that is a huge expense normally for a startup like this. We would get that for free! That being said I am doing all the website, design and marketing on my own! What I wasn’t planning on are all the details that take so much time while trying to juggle two other businesses and children's schedules. I mean I have to be a super mom, there is no room for error when it comes to that! (lol, the lies we tell ourselves.)

From flyer designs, product photos, planning out the marketing and the complete website design, I have missed A LOT. I have not gotten all of the products and information listed that I wanted to. We still have not listed so many great products and resources that we have. I have not gotten the marketing perfect during the busiest time of year for online shopping sales. I have had to come to terms with the fact that is impossible to run three businesses on my own and have everything be perfect.

I do know that I have a responsibility to my clients to make sure their work is done correctly and in a proper time frame. I also have a responsibility to myself to not kill myself. This is the first weekend in months that I have not set my alarm for 5 am to wake up and do work before the kids wake up. I slept in, my only alarm being the kids. I feel amazing today as I write this.

Did I have work I could have gotten up and done? YES. But it will get done when it gets done. Today is my self-care day. Just doing what I can and not stressing that everything isn’t perfect. I truly believe in this business and the amazing doors we are opening that will eventually help so many people. The support we have gotten so far in our first month has been unbelievable.

Crystalline Tribe will grow dynamically and exactly the way it is supposed to. The future has never looked so bright.  I hope everyone stops and acknowledges themselves today. Realize that you are exactly where you need to be. If life feels chaotic, stop and take two deep breaths. Your plan will work out exactly the way it is meant to. Don't force it. Just believe in it.

Empowering a tribe. Changing perspectives. Creating Magic. 

- Amanda (@missdjlux)

So I decided to do this thing about a month ago and get “CALM” tattooed on my knuckles. I originally was going to do “STAY CALM” on both hands but I don’t know if I am that badass to have all my knuckles tattooed.

I did like the multiple meanings of Stay and the idea of having that on my body. Fuck there have been a few periods of my life where I had to convince myself it was worth it to stay. Life felt so hard at times that escaping with drugs was all I could do to handle the pain. I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t met my ex-husband at the age of 20. I tell people all the time he saved my life. And I know he did. (That story will have to wait for another blog post.)

But calm. Calm resonates so much with me in my adult life. How can I stop the spinning of anxiety and just “STAY CALM.” We have this fight or flight system that is built into our genetics. A fire inside us that if fed can grow out of control. Then as we grow we are taught to fight. As a young girl, growing up in a single mother household, I felt like I had to fight for everything. It is exhausting to always be on guard. I appreciate the struggle because I am a strong, independent woman today but I know the same result can be accomplished in a healthier way.

We fight with our words, our fists, our emotions. Calm tattooed on my punching fist. Can we teach our children to not fight with their fists and words but to just “Stay Calm”? I want to teach my children meditation and slowing down. I want them to be aware when someone around them is hurting so they can be sensitive to how their actions affect them.  I don’t want them to learn to have to fight and scream to be heard. There is incredible self-empowerment in being able to control your emotions and calm yourself down. Teach them that the fire inside them is a beautiful thing. Teach them to use it as positive energy and not let it get out of control.

The fight or flight is inside us. It is primal. We can all use it in a positive way. This is my message. Stay Calm. Spread love. Live life.

- Amanda (@missdjlux)

With the Holiday Season upon us, I just thought I would take a moment to share another perspective with you.  Especially with everything going on in society right now. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently with my children.  I can’t go back in time, but if I continue to share what I have learned along the way then maybe I can influence the next generation in a positive way.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good hug and being an empath, a hug from the right person can give me such a recharge of energy, but before I learned that I had a choice, that I didn’t have to hug everyone, it was also a fast way to deplete my energy. When our children are young, 3-6 years old, they are discovering that they are their own person. With this discovery comes a time of learning to listen to their instincts, learning that they have a voice, learning that they’re emotions and feelings are theirs and not their parents. We as adults have a responsibility to help them navigate all of these feelings, not to push ours onto them.

Think about this for a moment, it’s Thanksgiving and Uncle Johnny shows up who hasn’t been around for years. You say to your daughter or son, “go give Uncle Johnny a big hug, you need to thank him for the present he sent you on your Birthday”.  Do we want our children to learn that if someone gives them a “present” they have to “hug” them or allow them to “touch” them when it feels uncomfortable to them? Now I know some of you are thinking, “but this is my family, I trust them, my children should trust me”.  Uncle Johnny is a stranger to your child, they need the opportunity to get to know them, to feel comfortable around them before they get that close to them. We need to teach our children to learn what their feelings are and what they’re boundaries are. They need to learn that when something doesn’t feel right, it’s ok to say no. Now I’m not saying to give your children permission to be rude, give them options, a handshake or high-five, and teach them to do what feels comfortable for them.

Personally, I know that as a child, I was always expected to give everyone a hug when they came to visit or left. What a confusing thing to do to our children.  I always BEG people when I am around their children to not force them to hug me. They need to learn that they have a voice both inside and out and we need to respect that. How can they learn what their boundaries are if we as adults constantly force them to do something that feels unnatural or uncomfortable? It doesn't mean they don't like us or have anything against us, it just means that we're not welcome into their most intimate circle and that's ok!  What a beautiful thing it is when they do feel comfortable enough to let us in.

PLEASE, if you have ever agreed with anything I've posted, PLEASE take this one to heart because I believe it with every fiber of my being. Allow your children to OWN their boundaries! Allow every hug they give and receive to reenergize them because all they feel is LOVE.

Happy Holidays! May we all be blessed with a Safe and Loving Holiday Season filled with Gratitude...

- Celeste (@motherhealing 💖🙏🏻💗)

I spend most of my days giving people advice through my work and personal relationships.  So often I hear, “it must feel so good to be you! You always know what to say”  Well I’m here to tell you I DON’T!  I am so grateful and humbled when I am able to guide someone to stand in their own power and make positive changes in their life, but I don’t always have the answer,  Especially when it comes to my own life.  We all are here to learn lessons and to continue to grow.  I have found over the years that the most difficult lessons and times in my life, the ones that “hurt” the most, are the ones that I have learned the biggest lessons from.  

Well, today I find myself facing a lesson that has reoccurred over and over again throughout my life.  It is a belief of not being good enough, deserving of success, happiness, love.  I have been so close, so many times in my life to having everything I’ve dreamed of only to sabotage the situation and run away from it.  Not today!  TODAY, I stand and fight! TODAY, I stand in my POWER!  Today I choose to believe, to know that everything I am seeking is seeking me. To sit in the moment, in the feeling and know that if I grow thru it, it will all come. Today, instead of feeding the fear and running, I chose to sit in silence and embrace the feelings and be grateful for the lesson. In this silence I realized that the problem wasn’t the feelings I was having, the problem was the control I gave to them and what I chose to do with them.  

Never reject your feelings, whether happy, sad, scared, depressed, angry…. they are all valid and you are feeling them for a reason.  Embrace them, accept them, be grateful for them.  If you like the feeling, stay in it!  But if you don’t, then grow thru it and LET IT GO! 

 🙏🏻💕🙏🏻Celeste (@motheringhealing)