I know this post seems late, but it is something I have been struggling with for weeks. With 2019 closing out as one of my most stressful and chaotic years I have lived yet, I have been thinking a lot about what I want for “me” to move into this new year.
I know I want to step into my authentic path and begin to work as an energy worker. I have discovered a new found love for meditation and mindfulness, and I want to share that with the world. I have gotten a crash course in holistic living and natural alternatives for wellness this last year. I have the traditional New Year’s resolution of eating better and getting back the gym (I put on 15lbs this year! The stress and working so much left little time for self-care.) I am moving in the direction I want to go but the question is how do I get there with this tornado of my life?
Just to give you a snippet of my life and how chaotic it is, I will give you a timeline of my last two weeks (just a little back history for the newbies).
My Fiancé has been battling Stage 4 cancer since last January (he was diagnosed after having two emergency surgeries in January. One of the surgeries almost killed him).
Six Months of aggressive chemotherapy which ended in Sept.
He barely worked last year due to his illness. He went back to work full time the last week of Sept.
He had a hernia due to the surgery from January. A hernia... no big deal, right? That is an easy procedure that people have all the time!
On December 20th we go in for his pre-op appointment and the surgeon lets us know it is a bigger deal than “just a hernia” surgery. Both of us feel the blow. I was so overwhelmed with him being out of work again, being his caregiver again, and the idea that I just got him back and he was going to be hurt and not himself again. I spent most of Christmas week crying tears of complete exhaustion and being overwhelmed by life.
Friday, December 27th: His surgery time gets pushed back twice so I have now had to shuffle my kids through three different scenarios of people watching them. I am feeling the PTSD side effects of being in the waiting room, while he is in surgery again.
The surgery takes place at 5 pm, the surgeon comes out around 7 pm. He sits down next to me and says they had to do even more than expected once they got in there. I was soooooo upset and sad for Billy. He was going to be in so much pain again. They completely opened him up for a second time. When he woke up and realized he was so angry.
The following week was spent juggling caregiver duties (he couldn’t even stand up without help when he first got home), kids’ home on Christmas break (great winter vacation for them!) and me trying to juggle four jobs. I had booked a weekend to DJ in San Jose that following weekend months before any of this was even happening. Do I cancel? No. Everyone tells me I have to continue on so I will trust that he will be okay when I leave.
On Friday, January 3rd at 7:30 pm as I am getting ready to go to work, I get a call from Billy. “Babe, I can’t breathe. I have shortness of breath.” I feel the panic in his voice. I tell him to go to the ER and he questions if he should, but luckily, he goes. I start texting with his surgeon and about two hours later, I get a text from his Dr. “He has a blood clot in his lung, but he is stable.”
Like, WTF??!!! Now I am in Cali, I am supposed to DJ and I am falling apart. The surgeon tells me he will text first thing in the morning to let me know if I need to jump on a flight home the next day. I made it through most of my set okay thanks to friends and family, but I lose it at the end of the night. I am in Cali alone and afraid and unfortunately going down the google rabbit hole of what a blood clot in your lung means.
I wake up to a text from Dr.Z at 7:15 am, saying that he stayed in a normal room and he didn’t have to go to ICU so he is stable. He said I was okay to stay in Cali. Billy is stable but am I mentally stable and okay to stay in Cali??
I mean, I should stay in Cali. I can’t do anything at home, he is just going to be in the hospital. We need the money more than anything. It didn’t take us long to hit our deductible for the year again! But I can’t really explain what it feels like to be in a place, taxed, stressed, scared and feeling like you just can’t do your job.
I did it. I went to work. It may have not been my greatest night of djing, but the dancefloor was packed and that is a good sign. I also got a few signs from my angels. Halfway through the night, an angel on the dancefloor handed me a wrapped Unakite stone. Unakite is a stone of clarity. As Energy Muse put it “the Unakite healing properties give your heart the superpower of 20/20 vision and the courage to be a hero to the ones you love.” Seems like it couldn’t have been more fitting!
Then a friend who has had an even harder year than me (he, unfortunately, had to have his leg amputated due to a medical complication last year) showed up with the best energy to support me at my set. He usually stands next to me when I DJ, this time he was in a wheelchair. His energy was contagious and reminded me that we are all stronger than we think. I don’t know if he knows how much his support helped me that night, but it gave me the extra fuel I needed. I was so grateful he was there.
I didn’t share this series of events for sympathy, or because I am currently depressed or sad. I came home, Billy left the hospital, and he is going to be fine. I am grounded and okay in this moment.
I shared this because this is my tornado. We all have tornados in our lives that disrupt the flow of what we need and want to accomplish. How do I keep on my path and set intentions for my goals in this tornado?
On Monday morning I started writing down three things that I would like to accomplish that day that were only for me. My goal this week was to do this every day and at least accomplish one of the three things. I did get to one on Monday. I did two of the three yesterday and I already started my day with meditation this morning so one thing is checked off for today.
I am not in a place yet where I can have long term goals. I can have daily goals. Just even getting one of those goals done made me feel accomplished. If I keep building on that I will get to where I need to be.
My tornado is currently still swirling around me with unknowns and ready to create havoc at any second. I make the choice to not get sucked up in it. If it comes out of nowhere and chaos does unfold, I am okay with being messy for a minute. I am only human. It is my job to then use my tools and my support system to get back to the center.
So, what do I want for me in this New Year? I want to continue everything I have been doing this last year. I will continue my mindfull practice and what living mindfully means to me. I will practice gratitude daily. I will be gentle with myself. I will focus on what my heart center truly needs so I can live my most authentic life. This year is going to be a year of building and progress. I will start each day with one goal and go from there.
HAPPY 2020 EVERYONE! - Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️