I received a phone call last night, the one I’ve become accustomed to
receiving around the full moon. My son called, I could feel his pain and
panic from the first hello… “Mom, PLEASE someone needs to come get me I’m
not safe” Right away my very emotional “mommy” personality takes over.
“Oh my gosh, what’s going on? What happened?” As I listen to the tale of
events that have transpired the past few days, my heart is breaking for
my child who is stuck in this horrible situation. I start hearing only
key phrases and forming pictures in my head of what is going on. They
jumped me, I have nothing, they took everything, No one will help me,
I’ve been begging people for days to let me borrow a phone to call,
people have their own form of justice here, I have glass in my feet, this
isn’t my fault, I did nothing wrong, you HAVE to help me this time………
So many things running thru my head,… why does this keep happening to
him, he tries so hard and it’s just one thing after another. I know he’s
using again, all of the signs are there, it’s the same story just a
different City. Every fiber of my being wanted to jump in a car and drive
8hrs to get him. But then what? He didn’t even know exactly where he was,
how would I find him? If I found him then what? I would have saved him
one more time and he would have given me a list of reasons why none of it
was his fault.
A dear friend of mine, that I love and respect so much, who is struggling
with the same issues once said to me “Celeste, I keep bailing them out
not because I’m afraid they will die, because I’m afraid it may be the
time they are finally ready to change and I what if I’m not there to
help?” This made perfect sense to me because this is how I felt, but last
night something changed. I realized if this is the time, if he is truly
ready to kick this drug addiction and change his life, then he will make
it happen with or without me. This is his life, his choices, his lessons
and there is nothing I can or can’t do to change that.
So I gracefully bow out of the fight….
It doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I’ve been awake all night second
guessing whether or not I should jump in my car and start driving, I’ve
even gotten dressed and sat in the car a couple times. I’ve been crying
and pacing the house all night in between bouts of trying to lay down and
sleep. I’ve been praying, oh my gosh have I been praying! Every fiber of
my being, right down to the center of my soul is agonizing for him.
Hoping he is safe, hoping he’s not sitting in a street alley freezing,
hoping he’s not starving, hoping he’s not using again, PRAYING he’s not
lying dead in a ditch….
I keep reminding myself, “This is his life, his path, his lessons” I
can’t learn them for him, I can’t walk it for him. All I can do is walk
my path, learn my lessons and I think this has been the toughest one so
far. To allow my children to live their life. To be an example of making
healthy choices for myself so that they may see and follow. To stay in my
power so that they learn to stay in theirs and not give it away to
ANYONE, not even my children.
We can’t help anyone if we don’t first take care of ourselves. It’s been
a rough night and I’ve beaten myself up a bit, but I’m going to let it
go, 100 times if I have to and then a 100 more, because I am worth it!
Addiction sucks, it hurts everyone involved and no one has the right to
say how anyone else should feel or not feel about it. For me, in this
moment, I’m asking myself “maybe the lesson is not his, maybe the lesson
is really mine?” I can’t keep doing the same thing over and over and hope
it will be a different outcome. I don’t like this story, so I have to
change it for me, hopefully he will choose to change his.
Self-care is NOT selfish! I LOVE you son, maybe more than you will
ever know, but I have to LOVE me first!
- Celeste 🙏🏻💕🙏🏻 (@motheringhealing)