I was raped and never spoke of it. This is why women don't talk.

This Judge Kavanauh case has been in front of everyone’s eyes. Social Media has been littered with opinions and memes on both sides. The subject matter that gets to me every time when these things happen is when people say “if it really happened, why did she never say anything.” Because not only are we victims but as women, we are brought up in a society that teaches us we are doing something wrong with our sexuality at such a young age. We teach our little girls that they should be embarrassed if they don’t have a shirt on while they look just like their brother and are innocent and don’t understand. We should be teaching our little girls to be comfortable in their own skin and if something makes them more comfortable than they should always do what is best for them. And if something makes them uncomfortable then we should listen and address what is making them uncomfortable and why. Instead, we just impose these rules. You have to wear a shirt because you are a girl. Your brother looks just like you but he doesn’t. We start brainwashing our daughters at such a young age…….

I was date raped at 16. I think there were maybe 5-8 people in my life who knew this. Less had ever heard the details of what happened. I don’t talk about it. It was my fault. This was a person I should have never been around. You see this is what most women do. It was my fault. I was drinking. I shouldn’t have been at the party. I had no business being at his house. My outfit was slutty. I was promiscuous so I deserve it. 

Men who will commit the crime of rape are usually predators looking for these signs. Mine did. He knew I had a few sexual partners that summer. He knew I was partying a lot. He planned it out. He was 18 and had his own apartment. He invited me over for lunch. I had been warned by my friends to not hang out with him, but I had a thing for the “bad boy” type and this was lunch… harmless. We ate. He invited me into his room. He started kissing me. I didn’t really like it but I remember thinking kissing this is it. Then he pulled me so close I couldn’t get him off of me. He said I haven’t had sex in so long. I said I didn’t want to have sex. I was wearing a skirt. I couldn’t breathe he was holding me so tight. He pushed himself on me. I started crying. He said scratch his back and he would stop. I scratched the shit out of his back, I made him bleed. He finished. Put his clothes on and left his apartment. I was left there on his bed crying. So confused. I went to the bathroom, cleaned up and went outside to my car and cried. 

It was the middle of the day. I was right around the corner from my second home the skateboard park. I spent almost every day there from the time I was 12-18. I was part of the “boys club”. I was one of the few girls who were allowed to hang out there every day. I decided to go there to see who was there. My ex-boyfriend was there and saw me pull up and he immediately ran over to me. I will never forget the anger in him or the words that came out of his mouth. “This is seriously what you want to be known for! The girl who sleeps with everyone! _____ was just here nice scratches on his back.” I was completely floored. I broke down. I got back in my car. I immediately thought I brought this on myself. I started driving home and decided to stop where a friend worked. Again I went inside and he came up to me and said “wtf is going on with you? ______ just came through and was bragging about his back.” 

You see, he knew what he was doing. He knew I was an easy target. I went home and cried. I was completely sick to my stomach. I stopped thinking of it as rape and instead decided at that moment I deserved it. Later that week I was at soccer practice and I looked up and he was standing in the woods watching. My best friend asked why he as there. I remember saying…I don’t know. I could have told her at that moment but I didn’t.  I just wanted him to go away. I wanted to forget. 

A few months later, I heard he got arrested for raping someone else. I have always lived with the guilt that if I had spoken up maybe this wouldn’t have happened to her. This is why women are driven to come out and speak in times like this. I can tell you, if the person who did this to me came out for a position of power, I would absolutely speak out now. 

I hope after reading this it enlightens some of you to why women “don’t talk”. I was young. I made a lot of mistakes but I didn’t deserve to be raped. I am now 39 and I have just recently in the last year started to talk about it.  

- Amanda (@missdjlux)