Forgiveness is not forgetting, It's healing

I have wanted to write about this for a long time now but I wasn’t sure how to do it. Not sure I do today either. This has been one I have had to conquer my whole life. My life hasn’t been perfect but I have created a life I love. I try to forgive whenever I can, not for the other person but because it allows me to heal myself.

An example of this is my dad. I grew up so confused about the situation. I had lots of “daddy issues” as a teen and young adult. When I was 26 I decided I wanted to take a trip and spend time with him. I didn’t want something to happen to him,  without me getting to have a conversation with him. From about the time I was 8 until this time I had only talked to him a handful of times. I went and I had a great trip. I healed, I learned and I tried to change my perspective. After this trip, I called him on two occasions to let him know he was a grandfather and I sent him a Christmas Card every year so he could see his grandchildren.

When he passed away it hit me a lot harder than I expected. Before his service at my Aunt’s house, two feathers fell from the sky while she was meditating. She said she felt like one was for my Pepere and one was for my father. When I got home, I decided I wanted to get a tattoo. I had always wanted my Pepere’s initials on my wrist. I got his initials with a feather to represent my father underneath. I said it was to symbolize forgiveness in a really shitty situation.

I remember my ex-husband asking me why I would want something on my body to symbolize someone who was never there for me and created so much pain in my life. The reason was I wanted to forgive. I wanted to look at it through new eyes.

Forgiveness can give you the biggest relief of letting go you have ever felt in your life if you can truly get to the point that you can and actually deep down to your core do it. Look at my aunt and me for example. My aunt is Celeste, my partner in Crystalline Tribe, for those of you who don’t know yet. I was closer to her than anyone on the planet my whole life. Her family followed me to Utah and I did everything I could to always be there for them. She got sick and made choices that negatively impacted those around her. I am not saying they were “wrong” or “bad choices” because now as we stand here today everything happens for a reason, but they were hard on those who were close to her. I didn’t talk to her for two years. Two years where I could have used her more than ever. One of those years, the HARDEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. When I did decide to start talking to her again, the healing process started. Our relationship grew again over time and now we are business partners and stronger than ever. We have both done a lot of healing and are the healthiest we have been in our adult lives.

I forgave her for leaving us in turmoil and she forgave me for just cutting her off and not talking to her at all. Did you catch that last statement? Just like everything, there are two sides. No one can tell someone else how they are meant to act or feel in a situation. You may be hurting but that doesn’t mean the other person isn’t hurting too.

I am not perfect and I still have a long way to go. I pray I can learn to let go and forgive even more. I just had a situation last night that has been a repeating one for me the last few years. Like it always does, my reaction was to come home and cry tears over it. As I think about it right now my eyes well up. I can’t find the other perspective in this situation yet but I hope to soon so I can let go. For now, I allow myself to feel, I allow myself to grieve and I try to work through it.

Forgiveness is what you make it. It isn’t perfect. It is really messy. It usually starts with forgiving yourself. Be more gentle with yourself and take baby steps to be more gentle with others. Forgive from the depth of your soul so that your soul can be set free.

- Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️