300 DAYS SOBER!!! HOLY SHIT! I didn’t know I could even exist without liquor or drugs and here I am clearer and happier than ever! I always thought alcohol was a way of life. I was brought up with it. I got drunk for the first time at 15. I used to think people were missing out if they didn’t drink. I have owned two nightclubs where we pushed drinks on people. The idea of NOT DRINKING wasn’t even part of my path.
Then it happened. After years of battling depression and anxiety, I met a man. This wasn’t your normal we got drunk and the bar and went home together….this was we met for coffee and I have never once have been intoxicated with him. He saw me for me. He helped me learn mindfulness and slowing down to connect with myself. The gentleness he shows me and my children is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Through his eyes, I started to see myself differently. I started to want to feel things more. I wanted to fight harder for my kids to give them what they deserve. I wanted to give myself what I deserve.
He never once told me I should stop drinking or even suggested it. He did ask me questions about why I partied and drank that made me question why I did as well. I had tried to slow down before and I always had an excuse of why I needed a drink. Could I even stop if I wanted to?
Here I am 300 FUCKING DAYS SOBER! I want to be the example I want my kids to be. I am going to tell them every dark truth and all the stories so they can learn from my journey. As happy as I am for myself it completely makes me sick to my stomach at the same time. I am sorry to the ones that couldn’t stop. I am sorry for not realizing our choices were hurting you more than us. I am sorry I didn’t understand we were dancing with fire. We honestly believed in our hearts it was only for fun. It was killing us all in different ways. Jeffrey at one point you wrote me a letter to say sorry for treating me badly as part of your 12 steps……. Jeffrey, I am sorry. I am sorry we pushed it so hard it eventually took you from us.
A conversation sticks in my head that I had with someone after being sober for a few months. He asked, “are you still not drinking?” I said “Nope.” His response “Cool, not sure what to say, it isn’t like we congratulate people for not doing drugs, I don’t think its that big of a deal.”
I think about this conversation a lot. Society has taught us that getting blackout drunk and trying recreational drugs is a “normal”…almost a right of passage. How did that happen? I used to wear a badge of honor that I could hang and party all night long with the guys. Somedays being so hungover I could feel my brain cells screaming at me. Now I like waking up at 5 am and being vibrant and active all day long with my kids. I will never feel a hangover again.
I want to be the change. I want to bring awareness to society’s perception of being “sober” as a negative thing. I knew that I HATED the way I felt after drinking and partying but I still continued to do it because it was our lifestyle. If you know in your heart it is killing you, choose a different path. It can be done and the reward on the other side is amazing. And yes you can still be a FUN human without the toxins!
I am going to end this rant with yes, to me, my sobriety is a big deal. It is like a breath of fresh air has come over my whole being. I am proud of the woman I am. I am proud of creating a new path for myself. I am happy my kids will never see me intoxicated. I am standing in my power and I love the way it feels.
This isn’t about a number but damn being able to say 300 days feels so good.
- Amanda (@missdjlux) ❤️